8 Truths about being mom
Posted on March 27, 2012 by FoBaM-Jamie
No matter whose mom you are, no matter where you live, no matter whether you did breast or bottle, co-sleeping or crying it out, disposable or cloth there are some truths about being mom that are universal. Each of us in on a unique journey, but some things are always and forever the same …
Just when you think you’ve got it figured out – the game changes.
Parenting is not something you can master. Kids change every day. The minute you think you’ve got the perfect solution, they switch things up and leave you scratching your head and wondering what the heck happened. Get used to it. Learn to adapt. Flexibility is your friend.
Your decision-making process has extra steps.
Once upon a time, you could decide what to have for lunch, where to go on vacation, or whether to take that promotion without considering anyone’s needs except your own. Moms don’t have that luxury. As a mom, we run every decision through our internal “kid filter” to see how it will impact our children.
Time is fluid – slowing down and speeding up completely irrational ways.
Welcome to “mommy time.” Scientists say that, although we perceive it that way, time is not linear. I admit I’m not completely clear on what they mean, but I do know that my perceptions of time changed dramatically once I became a mom. Minutes can seem like hours, and years can seem like days. It’s enough to make your head spin.
You’re never done.
Don’t try to be. There is simply too much to do, to know, to be. The list of things you must do, should do, and want to do is endless. Motherhood is the ultimate “fully integrated” job. There is no clock to punch and no retirement date on the horizon. It’s cradle to grave – their cradle to your grave.
You have days when you feel like a complete failure.
Expect them. Don’t waste too much time worrying about them. See the first truth and remind yourself that “this too shall pass.” We all screw up. We all do and say things we wish we hadn’t. But, life goes on and the kids still love us.
You have less time to think and so much more to think about.
The amount of brain space needed to accommodate all the “mommy stuff” is astounding. Perhaps this is why we sometimes forget seemingly basic information like where we parked the car, our best friend’s phone number, or the dog’s name. It’s okay. Take one thing at a time and it’ll all be all right. Focus on the important stuff and let the rest slide. It’ll come back to you … eventually.
They won’t say thank you until much (much!) later.
Children don’t truly appreciate everything a mom does until they become parents themselves. I know I didn’t. How could I? I had no frame of reference – no first-hand experience. Now that I’m someone’s mom, I get it. Thanks, mom. Really.
You feel life much more deeply.
Motherhood amplifies our emotions. We experience life more fully and feel everything more deeply. We cry more, but we laugh more too. Becoming a mom can feel like having a veil lifted. Suddenly, the world is revealed to you in all its insanity and beauty and terror and love. It can be scary, but motherhood also brings with it courage and conviction – we get everything we need to handle the new adventure.
Yep. Motherhood is a crazy ride, but it’s comforting to know that some things will never change. It’s good to know that every other mother out there knows what we’re talking about. We are never alone. Thank goodness!
What other universal truths can you add?
If it weren’t for the kids …
Posted on October 25, 2011 by FoBaM-Jamie
If it weren’t for the kids …
We could get a full night’s sleep every night.
We wouldn’t catch every sniffle, flu, and sore throat in town.
We wouldn’t be plagued with nightmares about Teletubbies and purple dinosaurs.
We could reduce the laundry by at least fifty percent.
We could go to the bathroom without an audience.
We could do our grocery shopping in under an hour.
We could have adult phone conversations without five hundred interruptions.
We could leave the house without sixty pounds of just-in-case paraphernalia.
We could get through a whole day without saying, “Because I said so.”
We wouldn’t have hours of “child admin” from school, pediatricians, etc.
We could finish reading the book we started six months ago.
We could have those washboard abs … maybe.
We could sleep in.
We could drive a Mini Cooper instead of a minivan.
We would have more time for a social life, exercise, and R&R.
We would have more money for a social life, exercise, and R&R.
We wouldn’t need a contingency plan just to run a few errands.
We could plan our days around our own agendas instead of the kids’ activities.
We could avoid the cliquey circles of moms.
We wouldn’t have to explain why the sky is blue.
We wouldn’t have the chance to dance in the rain.
We might forget to smell the flowers.
We wouldn’t laugh as much.
We wouldn’t take as many naps.
We would take ourselves too seriously.
We would gloss over the wonder that is all around us.
We wouldn’t get to relive our favorite childhood adventures at storytime.
We would forget how to see the magic in a seashell.
We wouldn’t have the courage to sing out loud or somersault down the lawn.
We wouldn’t have the chance to get closer to our neighbors and community.
We wouldn’t get to rediscover the child inside us.
We wouldn’t get to see the world through new eyes in a way that makes us smile.
If it weren’t for the kids, our lives wouldn’t be as rich and full and challenging and rewarding and infuriating and blissful as they are. If it weren’t for the kids, none of it would mean a thing.
Image Credit: Nils L.
TORN – responses to working mommy Q&A
Posted on June 28, 2011 by FoBaM-Jamie
I want to thank the Fans of Being a Mom community for taking the time to post so many insightful comments and questions about the work-life challenges addressed in my book, TORN. I picked six key themes that reverberated throughout many of your posts and have done my best to respond to them below. One of the key messages in TORN is that there IS no right or wrong way to “do” motherhood. We are all doing the best we can, solving our problems in ways that best accommodate the needs of our families, children and ourselves. The voices in TORN speak loudly for many of us who are in the trenches of the work-life juggle and let us know that we are not alone in the struggles we face each and every day as mothers, workers and women. Happy Reading!
Samantha Parent Walravens
Editor of TORN, True Stories of Kids, Careers, and the Conflicts of Modern Motherhood
What is the Long Term Impact of Daycare on Kids?
Marcia Baker asked: Are there any studies that examine the wellbeing of children who were cared for by daycare vs. a SAHM? I have so much guilt over working, but honestly, I don’t know that I’m cut out to be a full time SAHM. Plus I like the financial security it provides and the stress it takes off of my husband to not be the sole breadwinner. Some information on the long term impact to children would help me clarify my priorities.
The great daycare debate has raged ever since women entered the workforce. Today, 89% of children under age 5 with employed mothers are in a regular childcare arrangement other than with their mother or father.
A 2010 study by the National Institutes of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) followed 958 kids followed from birth through age 15 to gauge the effects of early childcare experiences on adolescent behavior and achievement. More specifically, the study asked if non-relative childcare during the first 4 1⁄2 years of life predicts academic achievement and behavioral adjustment at age 15.
In summary, the study shows that higher quality childcare was related to higher cognitive/academic performance (even higher than for those kids at home with mom), whereas more hours of childcare (especially by non-relatives) was related to more problem behavior at 15. More experience in day care center-type care was related to better cognitive skills, but also more problem behavior.
As child development researcher Ellen Galinsky says of the study, “The good news is that children who were in moderate to excellent quality care (defined as any kind of non-maternal care) up until they were 4 1/2 are more likely to have higher cognitive academic achievement at 15. Higher quality care is also linked to less misbehavior or what the researchers call ‘externalizing behavior.’ This study confirms what early childhood educators have been saying for ages: quality matters.”
So, first step, find good care for your kids.
Galinsky mentions what to look for in a good childcare setting: “The most important aspect of childcare is the relationship between the child and the childcare provider. Does the provider really know this child—get down to greet him or her in the morning, know something about what the child might have done at home, and is warm, and caring? Watch the provider interacting with your child.”
“Does the provider listen to the child and build on and extend what the child does? Does the care provider engage with your child about his or her interests, ask the child “wh”—(what, where, why) questions, and respond to your child’s cues”?
How Do I Talk to My Boss and Co-workers about Work-Life Balance?
Pam asked: I am trying right now how to figure out how to spend more time with my son. My employer offers a variety of different work week options, telecommuting, compressed work week, shortened work week, but it all hinges on my direct manager, who is somewhat old fashioned and doesn’t “believe” in these options. On top of that, she was a single parent and instead of having empathy has a chip on her shoulder. I am really at a loss right now. I can’t quit because we need the money!!
Setting expectations at work is difficult, especially in today’s economy when those of us who are lucky enough to have a job don’t want to lose it. What do you do when your co-workers schedule a conference call at 6:30 p.m., and your child’s daycare closes at 6 p.m.?
Maintaining clear expectations – with your boss and co-workers – about your work-life schedule is an ongoing process of clarifying and fine-tuning, working and talking, getting on the same page and staying on the same page. You have a right to make a request for flexibility in your work arrangement. This can be a request for a change of hours, time of work, or location (e.g. working from home).
However, it is important to come up with a proposal that works for both you and your boss and to ‘sell’ it so that it works for everyone involved. If you just walk in the office one day and say “the daycare center closes at 6 p.m. every day and I can’t work Mondays or Fridays,” then you are not giving anyone a good reason to work with you on this. If you go in with, “I have looked at our department and the peak hours of customer demand are (x to y, day to day) and I can be available for all those hours but I would like to be off at 6 p.m. every day when there are normally more than enough staff to cope “ – then that is a different proposition.
If you can, speak to other people in the department that manage flexible working successfully, take them for a coffee and get the real picture for your company – ups and downs and how they manage things. It is logistics not emotions that count, and if you agree to something you can’t fulfill further down the line, then everyone suffers. Also talk to your Human Resources department and ask them about your company’s work-life policies and programs. They may offer more benefits and flex time than you realize.
How Do I Fit My Marriage—and Myself—into the Work-life Juggle?
Kimberly B. asked: I am a WAHM, and I can never seem to fit it into the daily schedule without feeling like I am taking away something from my husband and daughter. And myself. It’s great to have the extra little bit of income now, but since my daughter is only 3 years old and still craves my attention A LOT, how do I fit work into my day without feeling like I am neglecting her? Or do it all after she goes to bed and not neglect my husband?
Juggling marriage, family and career can be a downright challenging task. When we talk about “work-life balance,” it’s important to remember that work and children aren’t the only things you are juggling. There are two other balls in the air—your marriage/partnership and YOU.
First – when it comes to work-life balance, marriage matters. Working full-time and raising kids puts a strain on most marriages, and it’s important for couples to spend quality time together—alone. Small budgets need not be a deterrent to spending time together—watch a movie together, go for a walk, hang out at a café or bookstore. These are all ways to bond as a couple. A happy marriage makes happy kids.
Second – As they say upon take-off, it’s important to “put your oxygen mask on first.” Moms, that means you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others—including your kids, your husband, your aging parents. Take time out for YOU. It’s not selfish; it’s necessary. Exercise, meditate, read, hang with friends. Schedule one night a week to do something you enjoy – not something you think will be good for you or that your children or partner enjoys. This is for you. Whatever it is – having a meal with someone, reading a novel in the bath, or lolling on the sofa with a glass of wine, watching TV – make it non-negotiable. Turn off your mobile, don’t check your emails, and screen incoming calls. Stick to it and don’t put it off.
How Do I Overcome “Mommy Guilt”?
Devon DeTrapani asked: I am so glad to see there is a book out that I can read to hopefully help me through my daily struggles with balancing work and home life. I have a 2 year old and 7 month old. Everyday when my alarm goes off at 6am I get a huge lump in my throat and a sinking feeling in my stomach. How can I go to work and send these 2 wonderful kids to daycare? They need their mommy. The guilt I feel is so overwhelming sometimes that I still cry at drop off. I know the kids are well cared for but I feel as their mother I should be doing it but we need my income to provide for their wellbeing so I move on with my day. How do you overcome the “mommy guilt”?
Ah, Mommy Guilt. I’ve heard it said that as mothers, we see-saw between two emotions: guilt when we are away from our kids, and stress when we are with them. This isn’t all the time, of course. But Mommy Guilt is so common that the phrase has become part of our vocabulary. I often wonder if Daddy Guilt will ever become part of the vernacular?
A couple of thoughts about how to overcome Mommy Guilt:
1.Take the “S” word—SHOULD—out of your vocabulary. When other people tell you that you SHOULD be making your own organic baby food, or that you SHOULDN’T be letting your kids watch TV (ever), or that you SHOULD breastfeed your baby for a full year, or that you SHOULD go back to work because you owe it to yourself and the Women’s Movement and it’s a safety net for the future, just let it go. Do what works for you. Don’t internalize all the SHOULDs that fill your life.
2. Choose “good enough” over “perfect.” All the pressure that women today put on themselves to be the perfect mother, the perfect worker, and the perfect wife (with the perfect physique!), takes the joy out of motherhood and saps us of energy. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just give ourselves—and others—a break? When something needs to be done, ask yourself: is it important that the job is just done, or done perfectly? 9 out of 10 times, the answer will be “just done.
3. Find your own balance. Remember, there IS no perfect balance when it comes to motherhood, career, and marriage. It’s up to you to prioritize, make adjustments and decide what you are and are not prepared to do. Don’t tell yourself “I should be able to,” or “S/he can do it, so I ought to be able to.” Pay attention to your own needs and wellbeing. If you feel you’re out of balance day in, day out, then you are! It’s time to look at what’s going on and reevaluate. Be willing to re-negotiate your work duties, as well as your parenting duties. They WILL change over time.
4. Ask for help. “I’ve got so much to do.” “I’ve got to do everything round here.” Do these sentences ring a bell? Do you feel put upon and resentful while at the same time hogging all the work? If so, you may be falling into the trap of “mommy martyrdom,” where you take on more than you can handle draining you physically and emotionally and raising your stress levels. Solution? Ask for help and let other people take the weight off your shoulders. And learn to say NO firmly and often.
How Do I Balance Single Motherhood and a Full-Time Job?
Ami asked: I’d like to know how to balance single motherhood while working a full-time job. My son asks me repeatedly why I have to go to work, and why cant I stay home with him. We try to do fun things on the weekends, but during the week – it’s the usual routine – dinner, baths, laundry, clean up, and when that’s all finished, it’s time for bed. Not a whole lot of quality time for us there.
Nearly 14 million single parents navigate work-life balance without a co-pilot. Whatever their circumstances – divorced, separated, widowed, never married, or solo by choice – parents raising children on their own are linked by many of the same challenges, trials, and rewards.
Here are a few tips for helping you to stay happy, healthy and sane as a single mother and worker:
- 1. Draw a circle of support around you. Single parents are united in their need for a loving social network. Yet many feel “out of the loop” and yearn for empathy and reinforcement. If you feel isolated, reach out to an extended family of friends, neighbors, and community organizations such as a parents group or your place of worship. Remember that people who care about you may want to play a larger role in your life but may fear they’re being intrusive. Don’t be afraid to step forward and ask for help. You do so not out of weakness, but out of love for your child. If a friend offers to lend a hand, by all means accept. You will find a way to reciprocate the kindness in your own way.
- 2. Know your back-up plan. The faucet goes on the fritz or your car spews smoke just when you’re facing a looming deadline. Your babysitter cancels, a family emergency arises in the middle of the night, or you suddenly come down with the flu. You can help defuse chaos ahead of time by compiling a list of people you can call on a moment’s notice. Program emergency information into your cell phone and keep a copy in a visible place. Give copies to your family, friends, neighbors, and your child’s caregivers.
- 3. Connect with other single parents. From informal to structured, online to in-person, faith-based to nondenominational, a variety of programs connect single-parent families. Depending on the organization, activities may include educational seminars; play and study groups; field trips; potlucks; service projects; dinner dances; and much more. Parents Without Partners, the most high-profile single-parent organization, has chapters in most states, and thousands of members throughout the U.S. and Canada.
How Does the Work-life Juggle Change as Children Become Teenagers?
Staci asked: A lot of working moms talk about guilt revolving around smaller children, my question revolves around teenagers. I’ve worked full-time since my kids were born, and most of the time, had a work scheduled that allowed me to be home to get them off the bus and put dinner on the table. Now that all my kids are teenagers, I felt I could make a career change that would mean a schedule change. Everyone said, ‘oh, your kids are old enough to take care of themselves and your husband can get dinner’. How do I deal with the guilt of not being around as much as my kids go through their very formative teenage years? Somehow, I thought it would be easier, but it’s harder with teenagers.
The U.S. Census Bureau reports that the 12-to-19 population is the largest it has ever been -nearly 34 million in 2010. The rise parallels the growth in households in which both parents work full time, translating into millions of teens left alone at the end of the school day and in the summer -including those on the lower end of the age scale. One in five American 14-year-olds spends some time alone during the parents’ working day.
Parents’ main concern is how to keep their kids busy and out of trouble -particularly kids age 13 to 15, who are too old for childcare and too young to be on their own all day. Parents also want to be free to attend their teens’ sports events and performances, and to meet with teachers during the workday. This isn’t always possible when you are a full-time working mother (or father).
While there are no easy answers, there are a few pieces of advice that can help parents navigate the tricky years of raising a teenager:
- 1. First, keep the communication lines open. Be available when your teenager wants to talk, no matter how tired or busy you are. He or she may not feel like talking later. Let teenagers know where you stand by setting limits and sticking to them, such as what time to be home and what the consequences will be if limits aren’t met. You can’t keep them under your wing forever, but you can keep the lines of communication open.
- 2. Second, consider supervised group activities. Once a child has reached adolescence, you don’t worry about another person providing care; your concern now is whether your teen is taking good care of himself or herself. Adolescents often benefit from organized, supervised activities they can enjoy with their friends.
- 3. Third, ask about sick-leave and flex time. Ask your workplace if their policies might enable you to attend to some of the needs of your adolescent/teenager. Many employers are cultivating their own in-house resources for parents. Talk to your Human Resources department about work-life programs and policies.
We’d like to thank author/editor Samantha Parent Walravens for visiting with us on Fans of Being a Mom and for taking the time to answer some of your questions in such detail. If you’d like to continue the conversation with Samantha and other moms who deal with the work-life balance on a daily basis, please join the discussion in our Working Moms group.
We’d also like to take a moment to congratulate our three winners: Heather, Shirley, and Chessa Knight. Watch your emails, ladies and we’ll get those copies out to you!
Thanks!
Mom is Forever
Posted on September 7, 2010 by FoBaM-Jamie
Motherhood changes everything. That’s what they say, and it’s true. It changes your sleep patterns, your body, your work choices, your relationships, your priorities, your aspirations, your morning routine, your evening routine, and everything in between. It stretches you to reach into places you never knew were accessible to you, unearthing deep pockets of courage, ingenuity, and patience. It makes you stumble over roadblocks that you never considered before, giving you the chance to learn about the Real Life at every turn.
But, more than any of these changes, motherhood changes your heart. It’s not just that it’s bigger and more capable of love than ever before. Being a mom actually changes the way your heart works. Your children become a part of every equation. Your heart doesn’t make a move without them. Each decision is now predicated on how your choice will affect your kids. They are, more often than not, the deciding factor on the Big Things in your life.
Even when you’re not faced with any decisions, your children are always there in your heart. Ask any mother on any day about what is most important to her, and you will always get the same answer – her kids. World peace would be nice, but the kids come first. No matter where you are or what you are doing, a piece of your heart is always focused on your little ones – wondering what they are doing, if they are okay, and when they will be home.
And, apparently, that never stops – once a mom, always a mom. Though your role will change as the years fly by, the core essence of what it means to be a mom – to love unconditionally, without reservation, completely and wholly – only grows stronger and deeper as you watch your babies grow up. Though you may start out changing diapers and end up babysitting the grandchildren, you will never stop being a mom to your kids. You will always worry about them. You will always want what’s best. You will always share your opinion (for their own good, of course), and you will always remind them to bring a sweater, eat their vegetables, and mind their manners. You will never stop thinking of them as your little angels, and – happily – you will always be able to embarrass them with hardly any effort at all.
Motherhood – it’s the life-changing, heart-expanding, reality-altering experience that will stay with you forever. Aren’t we lucky?
Image Credit: J.K. Califf
No one ever told me …
Posted on July 30, 2009 by FoBaM-Jamie
There is so much about parenting that’s impossible to understand until you’re in the middle of it. When I announced my pregnancy, friends with kids of their own were bursting to share their experiences and well-intentioned advice. I bravely heard all kinds of birth stories, listened apprehensively to laments of never-ending sleep deprivation, was slightly horrified by overly graphic tales involving diaper explosions and projectile vomiting, and felt a warm and fuzzy feeling growing in my heart as my friends talked about those amazing first words and first steps.
But there were some things that seem to have gotten lost in the mix. For instance, no one told me that the average child is born with a strange compulsion to put things up his nose. And no one enlightened me about the joys of playgroup politics. Until I was pulling away from the hospital for the first time after my daughter’s birth, I had no idea how heart-stoppingly frightening the simple act of driving could become.
What surprised you most about motherhood? What were the most and least pleasant surprises? Do you try to enlighten other parents-to-be (or those with kids younger than yours)about what to expect, or do you prefer to sit back and see what happens as they make these discoveries for themselves?
