And then Mommy Panicked
Posted on July 13, 2010 by FoBaM-Jamie
It took six years, five months, and ten days, but the enormity of what it means to be someone’s mom finally hit me yesterday. There was no thunderbolt from the sky, just the quiet, panic-inducing realization that I am fully and wholly responsible for the upbringing and protection of another human being. “Fully” as in no one else is going to do it and “wholly” as in teaching her EVERYTHING.
When she was a helpless babe, all nestled in my arms, my responsibilities were simple: keep her fed, clothed, bathed, and well-rested. In my sleep-deprived state I don’t think I could have managed much more, so it’s convenient it worked out that way. As my little “peanut” (a nickname she already abhors at the tender age of six) grew older, I started teaching her how to walk, talk, and eat on her own. We spent endless hours learning about colors, shapes, animal names and sounds, letters, numbers, and what happens when you pile the blocks too high. We learned about friendly dogs, balance, sticking-like-glue, and how you should never turn your back on the ocean.
My days were sometimes long, and my nights usually short; but – overall – I had it pretty easy. The hardest questions I had to answer were about the color of the sky, how far a frog could jump, and whether she could have another snack before dinner. But now, only a few, short years later, I’m periodically paralyzed by panic attacks when I consider how quickly my parental responsibilities are multiplying. As any mother knows, the speed of light’s got nothing on the speed of a growing child, and a mom’s role and responsibilities morph and expand just as quickly. One day you’re changing diapers, and the next you’re helping craft a college essay.
The other night, I sat watching my daughter splashing about in the tub, mixing magic “potions” and blowing bubbles through her fingers. My face was the picture of serenity, but my mind was racing with an ever-growing list of things I needed to teach my daughter – how to tie her shoes, how to fall asleep on her own, how to swim, how to eat her veggies, how to make friends, how to be a good friend, when to try again, when to move on, how to write a thank you note, how to believe in herself no matter what, how to buy a car, how to drive a car, how to break up with a boy, how to survive a break-up, how to read for joy, how to tell the difference between right and wrong, how to have empathy, tolerance, humility, and tact, how to …
You get the idea.
Being a mom is a HUGE deal. You are IT. You are the go-to girl for EVERYthing. Except, you’re not. It may have once taken a village to raise a child, but now it takes a planet. You will always be your child’s first teacher, but life will hold many teachers. Though you will always have the prerogative to give your opinion, there will come a day when you won’t be the only (or, even the primary) source of information. For now, teach what you know. Share your world, your passions, and your curiosity. Be a rock to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, and a lap to snuggle in. If you don’t know the answer, say so, and teach that it’s ok to not know. Teach what you know; the rest you can learn together, side-by-side.
Image Credit: bjearwicke
thanks for this post, I am having one of those week, my husband walked out leaving me to raised out 3 y-o son and I have been in panic mode sine. Can I truly raise a child all by myself, can I teach a boy to be a man, can I cope with the challenges I have yet to face. And the quesion goes on, because I now need to be a happy, kind, caring, knowlegeable mother to this boy eventhough I’m broken. The joys of motherhood.
@Michelle – I’m so sorry that your world has been turned upside down. As a single mom, I can tell you that you will have those days of pure and unadulterated panic, but you will also be amazed at just how much you can accomplish and manage on your own. Just focus on the really important things – the “happy, kind, caring” pieces that you mentioned. Everything else will follow. Take care.
@ Michelle – I was the one who left a bad relationship with a 4 yo not knowing if I could do it alone – 3 1/2 years later, we are managing – growing stronger all the time!
michelle-i know what you are going through i have been raising my son on my own since he was a day old.i did have some family support,but i had to manage on my own.i have never recieved a dime for child support and my son is 6 and a half now.his father chose to not stay in his life and get to know his son,but that was his choice.i became the mother and father role and he is happier then ever.he has adhd which can be very fustrating at times,but i stay positive and keep my head up high.my son has so much love to give i would never ask for anything better in my life.stay strong and positive u will do just fine.
Jamie, Okay – I’m not a mom but I do believe it takes a village or a planet if you prefer. Here’s what I know – the kids down the street taught me to ride a bike, my grandmother taught me to tie my shoes, I still don’t know how to break up with a boy or survive a break up, I learned to swim at the local pond from trained instructors. Life taught me when to move on (and I was a slow learner for awhile – now I’m better.) Life also taught me to believe in myself, right from wrong, humility, confidence, etc. My ornery personality gave me my huge independence streak.
My Mother’s greatest gift to me was how to be a good friend. Including with her! Mom used to say her goal was to get us to 21 and then her job was done. She succeeded 3 times. Whether it was this philosophy or something else, she flawlessly transitioned from Mom to Mom/Friend.
It’s tough being a single mom – you need a great village. You are so open and generous – I have to think you must be surrounded by a wonderful village. Take care, Susan
I have been a single mother for 4 years. I have a 7 & 4 year old boy. I have often wondered the same things….Can I teach them to be a man? Can we survive Junior High and High School? I am learning everyday that life is one day at a time so there is time to prepare. I have had a great village of support but at the end of the day it is me……mom. My advice, TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
@Susan Nye – Thanks for chiming in with your non-mommy perspective.
I love that you’ve learned so much from your “extended family” – from neighborhood kids to grandma to Life. Nice reality check that, although moms are prone to taking ownership of absolutely everything to do with raising their kids, there IS a whole world out there that is the ultimate teacher. 
@Mandie – Great advice!
I’m going to print it out and hang it on my fridge. I will be reminded daily to completely stop all other things I’m doing and give my 4 year old daughter my undivided attention along with praising her for being alive.
Thank You
I am a single mom since the day after my son was born. His dad left for his partying days and only decides to come around when it convenint(sp). Some days I think its a great idea for my son to see his dad but he does not need an in and out father. My family is a big support but its still hard being a single mom to a boy and teaching him the ways boys do things. Thank god for great family and friends who are good role models they who are help me there those crazy days.
thanks for the stories they help.
@Rhianna – We love being fridge material … right up there with the kids’ smiley faces and first words. Woot!
@Staci – So glad the stories help. I hope that you can hang in there and find ways to enjoy each day, even when it feels a little crazy. You’re doing a great job.
I always thought the baby part would be the scariest…that was easy…make sure they are fed, changed, comfort them when they cry, love them, and keep them safe. But as I watch my 8 year old grow up…way too fast by the way…my mind freaks out at the possibilities. Have I done a good job teaching her how to make choices and how will the outside world influence her? She is an awesome daughter and I am extremely grateful for her. I guess you have to just take a deep breath and trust that the groundwork has been layed and help guide her with her strenghths and gifts she brings to this world.
What a wonderful blog/article !! I have two children, and even though I have a wonderful husband to help me, most things do fall on to mom’s shoulders. How ironic I found this today. Only a few days ago I was telling a family member how some days the responsibilty of being mom was more than I think I could handle. Loving another person more than life itself can be stressful, and when it feels (whether only in perception, or reality) that they count on you for everything…we need that village
@Lisa – It’s so true. There’s only so much one person can do … even a mom!
@Jennifer – I’m glad this post found you on a day when you needed it. Sometimes, the whole mom gig can be totally overwhelming. But it’s good to know that you’re never alone!