MomFAIL
Posted on July 1, 2010 by FoBaM-Jamie
Mom. It’s a title that carries more baggage than an over-booked jumbo jet. There isn’t a person alive – young, old, or in between – who doesn’t have a preconceived notion about what a mom should be. And moms, believe me, set the highest expectations for themselves. Even if we’re able to get past the stigma of other people’s presumptions, there’s a fair chance that we’ll still take a self-inflicted beating based on our inability to reach the unattainable levels of maternal perfection that we impose on ourselves.
I fall prey to these pity parties on a regular basis. At the end of any day, I can sit back and find at least a half dozen personal faults to harp on. Maybe my daughter ate nothing but Ritz crackers and Sourpatch Kids all day, maybe I let her watch too many episodes of “Dude, What Would Happen,” maybe I worked through our quality time – answering “just one more email,” maybe I got her to bed an hour later than I’d intended, maybe I lost my temper, maybe I had to break a promise. Whatever the case, I run over these shoulda, coulda, woulda items and feel the MomFAIL stamp slam into my forehead – branding me as the fraud I am.
I know I’m not alone.
Moms, I’m begging you. Please stop this terrible cycle of emotional terrorism. You are NOT failures. You do an amazing job each and every day. Sure, you may not always hit the mark on all your goals every day, but just the fact that you’re willing to beat yourself up proves that you care … a lot. And that’s what it’s really all about – caring, giving a damn, wanting to do the very best job you can even when it seems completely hopeless and what you’d really rather do is crawl into the hall closet with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s until the whole thing blows over.
But, you don’t. You’re mom. You stick it out, you make it better, you keep everything together. You wear that scarlet MomFAIL brand across your tired forehead and you do what needs to be done anyway. And that’s why – even on your worst day – you still rock.
What “failure” most often makes you feel unworthy, and what cheers you up and reminds you that you’re awesome?
Image Credit: glendali
You are definitely not alone. I am guilty of the same thinking.. I don’t feed my kids organic food..does that mean they will not grow up to be as healthy as the kids that do eat organic foods? My oldest like buttered noodles for breakfast and my youngest likes bread for breakfast. Do I feel guilty? Sure I do but at least there is something in their belly, right?
Why do us moms that are doing the best possible for our kids beat ourselves up constantly?
What makes me feel better? At the end of the day when my kids had a full day and are pooped out and they want to cuddle up with mommy and I feel my 4 yr old reach to touch my hand and my 3 yr old plays with my hair as they fall asleep.
I couldn’t have said any better Kathy!!!
We beat our selves up because we’re aware of the awesome responsibility we’ve undertaken becoming a mom. We beat ourselves up because our children are counting on us to feed and nurture and teach their bellies, hearts and minds and we want to GET IT RIGHT…but I try to remember at the end of the day, esp on days where I know for sure that I haven’t gotten much right, that tomorrow is another day. I remember how much I love my boys and love being their mama. I try to focus on what I can do better and how I can be better with as little judgement as I can and make myself KNOW – even if it’s a big crapper of a day – that this exercise is proof that they nurture my heart and teach my mind everyday with their little giggles, bright eyes and baby kisses.
@Kathy – Beautifully put. In the long run … the Big Picture … everything evens out. No use sweating all the small things. Instead, just enjoy those small moments!
@Maria – I know, right?
@MamaKelly – Such lovely words. Thanks for sharing. It really does boil down to the Important things – like making sure they feel loved and develop a sense of confidence that will serve them when the venture out into the big, wide world. Those are the things that matter & as long as you’re there for them that way, you can’t really screw too much else up!
I have 3 awesome kids, ages 17, 14 and 3. I do it alone and boy, some days I feel so much like a failure I want to cry. I used to think that I had to have a perfectly clean home, and everything in order before I went to bed. I was only getting 5 hours of sleep until the children woke up. I have let that go, because I have found out that there will always be dishes, laundry and an unstraightened pillow on the couch. I have learned also to deligate. Now, my 17 does the dishes, my 14 does the trash, and my 3 yr old likes to help with everythng. There is more time for us as a family and we have never been happier. My house is still clean, but I don’t sweat it anymore if it’s not at the end of the day. It’s like Erma Bombeck said “cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling the sidewalk while it’s still snowing”.
@Cynthia – That’s always been one of my favorite Erma Bombeck quotes.
You’re right – you have to give up on the illusion of perfection. How can a spotless house ever hold a candle to the joy of spending more time with your loved ones?
I feel like total MomFAIL today. I do all I can for my 13 year old boy and nothing seems good enough. I adopted him at 1 day old and last night he told me he was “done with kivibg with you, I want you to find my REAL parents”… Ughmm there is nothing worse than feeling like you’ve let the love of your life down. This little pep talk helped, so thanks. I needed this today.
@kim – My heart is breaking for you. That must be such a tough situation. I hope you know in your heart that it’s less about you and more about his age and a desire to understand where he comes from. Still, so hard for you to hear. Stay strong and know that you are a great mom.
Awesome post!! This is exactly why I find it hard to criticize any Mom whether it be in public with a screaming kid or a reality TV show Mom on TLC. I know I’m harder on myself than anyone can ever be and I’m sure all other Moms are the same way. So support and understanding is what we need from other Moms, because we’re hard enough on ourselves as it is without added comments from others.
Kim…..I also have a 13 year old that wants to just go live with his grandparents because he too has it soooo “bad” at home (even though he lacks for nothing)….just keep your head held HI!! This will pass and he will look back on it and hopefully see what a great mom you are!!! (It IS hard to hear though—-sometimes I just want to run out screaming and drive off—but I have 5 kids that need me to help them survive!!!) Take time to breathe———-
This is just what I needed to hear today my morning has started off bad. I have a 17 month old little girl and she’s my world… But she is not on a sleep schdule at all she wants to go to bed whenever I do and that’s usaully late and I’m about to start nursing school in august so I have to get her on a schedule. It is soo hard because my mom and sister think they are helping me by telling me what I need to do different with her but honestly all it does is make me feel like a failure and upset me.My babys.father is not in the picture so I’m raising her as a single mom and I’m so thankful for my supportive family but sometimes they make me feel worse. I know that it will workout though because I am doing the best I can and I know my baby girl loves me no matter what.
I feel like a failure everyday, it’s hard to be a mom when you never hear from someone else that your doing a good job. The only thing that gets me by on some days is when my 4yr old tells me he loves me out of the blue and then asks me if I’m okay.
@Kim – Thanks for rockin’ your comment with some mom-to-mom support. Awesome.
@Kristen – Oh, how I remember those days. It’s so hard when you’re feeling so low and so tired and everyone has a solution, only they don’t get how low and tired you really are and you don’t really want solutions, you want a shoulder to cry on and for someone to say, “It’s ok – this sucks, but it will get better.” Hang in there & good luck with nursing school … AND the sleep schedule.
@Michele – Sometimes there won’t be anyone to tell you you’re doing a good job. That’s why it’s so important to learn to tell yourself that. Your opinion matters more than anyone else’s. You’re the mom, after all!
I spend a lot of time beating myself up for the stuff I don’t get done in a day. A couple of weeks ago, I gave myself a wake up call. I need to give myself credit for what I DO get done everyday. I’m still not getting it right all the time but I feel better. DD will be 6 in October and DS will be 2 in 30 days and I work full time.
My biggest struggle is with helping my son with his social life. He’s an only child, so he gets lonely. And I’ve struggled with chronic health issues for years now. I’m finding it difficult lately to set up play dates because of my own issues. And when I do try, everyone is too busy, which means that so far this summer, he has not had any one on one time with friends. Still, he’s involved in Boy Scouts and is going to two camps this summer. I also enrolled him in a swim class. And we’re very involved in our church, where he has just become old enough for their pre-teen activities. Though I tend to be focused on what I’m not doing, I really should focus more on what I have done. Maybe his daily need for companionship isn’t being met like it should, but I’m not a total derelict. We all have our own unique areas of struggle, but we should give ourselves some credit for the things we do accomplish.
I have horrible mom guilt – some days worse than others. As a divorced mom of 2 – I not only have the regular beating up of myself – but then the continual comparison to a younger, non working step mom who is trying to take over my role. I feel like I beat myself up on all sides. What can I do to feel adaquate when I kno w that I am working my hardest for my kids and trying to maintain a somewhat organized and clean house. I give them my all, but it just never seems like enough – to me or to my controlling exhusband.
Awsome post!! I have momfails daily! I have a 2 yr old boy and a 5 wk old boy and yeah I know I have hormone issues still but everyday I fight back tears because I’m so overwhelmed. I’m one that from the first night home with my 2 yr old we have been “on a schedule” and its been so difficult getting a new “routine” down with a new baby. I love both my sons with all my heart but there are some days I loose my temper with the eldest and occasionally with the baby. Not because they are “bad” but because I can’t be everywhere at once. The baby needs fed, the 2 yr old is potty training and needs to go potty, the dishes are stacking up, laundry needs folded and or put away, oh and then there is meals to fix and trash to go out, my husband is at work and when he comes home sits down and ignores everything but his computer. I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife daily. Being a mom is the MOST IMPORTANT job I will every have, and the most thankless, until at the end of the day my 2yr old says “Mommy, your the best ever” and everytime I hear that I know that I’m doing a wonderful job. Even when I loose my temper with him, he still thinks I’m the best mommy ever, and its such a wonderful feeling. My kids are what keeps me going each and everyday, I can’t imagine life without either of them.
I frequent pity parties. It is a challenge to ignore all those negative voices in my head. While it is a constant battle, I recently pledged to be more forgiving to myself about all my daily misses. When I am successful at shrugging off my failures, I am better able to enjoy all the positive moments and successes.
Being Mom is the most important job any one of us will ever have. We do the best we can every day. Some days our best is better than on other days. Keep up the good, hard work ladies. Your children will grow up to appreciate you just as you have learned to appreciate your Moms! In the meantime, just know that dishes, laundry and pillows will all still be there for when you do have time, but your children will only be this age once. Stop and enjoy them. That’s all the reward we need!
man its werid how u guys post this today cuz i woke up in a bad mood having to get up and get two kids ready and im a single mother always on my feet and tirewd da next day, some days i get mad at their fathers cuz they are in prison and thought about themselfs instead of thier kid , now i love my kids and im willing to do watever it takes fo them to have clothes on their back, food in their belly, a house to live in, a bed to sleep in.. just da hardest part im da only one they got not even other family members. just wish i had family support if i need a question of how or wat to do wen this and that happens.. love my boys Aiden. & DeShawn
i have struggled with giving my kids the appropriate food, bedtime, tv choices, reading time, extra activities and the list goes on…and i do have moments where i stress and feel like i could have done more but at the end of the day i realize my children are full, happy, loved, clean and safe…this is when i remind myself that i’m doing ok. pat youselves on the back moms…i’m sure all deserve it
@Christine – Wonderful insight – stop worrying about what you didn’t get done, and focus on what you DID get done. Nice!
@Ruth – Being a social coordinator is tough no matter what your situation. My daughter is an only, too & I sometimes feel really guilty about that (I have a sister), but we all do what we can and each child makes his or her way in the world regardless of whether they have siblings or not.
@Becky – So sorry. That sounds like a tough situation & as a single, divorced mom myself, I can feel your pain. Hang in there. Nothing anyone does will stop you from being your kids’ mom.
@Nicole – We’ve all been there. Just remember to breathe & try to take a little time for yourself if you can. Sounds like you need it!
@Kate – Everyone likes a good pity party once in a while, but I like your positive outlook now!
@S.H. – Great advice. Thanks!
@machael – Keep up the good fight. Sounds like you’re doing the best you can for your boys & your love is the most important thing.
@emma – Here here! There are SO many expectations of moms … there’s no way to keep up. Best to just do what feels right in your heart & congratulate yourself on a job well done.
Thanks. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone when I feel this way. Thanks again.
I LOVED reading this! It helps to know that other moms feel the same way and go through the same emotional struggles. No matter how much of a failure I may feel like as a mom, at the end of the day, when my 3-year-old Princess hugs me, kisses me, and says “I love you Mommy,” I know I have done something so right!
This was great!! I feel this way often. I wake in the morning and today will be a new day. I will get organized, finish tasks, play games with the kids and when my hubby gets home I will have the house spotless and dinner on the table. Back to reality, the dishes are half done, living room never got vaccumed, clothes are still in the washer and dinner still in the freezer. On the days when the kids are not fighting I’m ok with this (for the most part).
But on the days when they are at eachother constantly, it all gets too much. I feel so overwhelmed. And when my hubby comes home and the place is a disaster I feel like such a failure. And the fact that he is so good about it almost makes it worse because then I feel so guilty.
But then my 5 year old son walks past and stops to give me a hug, for no reason at all. Or my 3 year old crawls in my lap with his blankie to cuddle. And then my 19 month old smiles at me and laughs as she scrambles into my lap anyway she can. Its all those little moments in the hectic day that make it all worth it and remind you that you mean the world to your little ones, even if you don’t feel like it.
I’m not a mom but my friends are and I see them feel this way all the time. All I could think as I read this post and the comments is – do DADS beat themselves up like this? I suspect not.