Solitude – Come and Get It!
Posted on January 5, 2010 by FoBaM-Jamie
At the best of times, moms are extremely short on time to themselves. Our days (not to mention our nights) are filled to overflowing with the hustle and bustle of caring for and enjoying our children, partners, extended family, friends, and co-workers. Our daily rounds shuttle us from one busy venue to another, filling every moment between dawn and dusk with chatter, activity, and the ever-present feeling that we’re late to be somewhere else. When we finally reach the end of a long day, we’re too tired to do much more than fall dizzily into bed.
… and then the holidays arrive, and things get seriously out of control. Our already hectic pace gets a turbo boost of insanity as we try to cram hours and hours of extra tasks and visits into an already overburdened schedule. Luckily, for us, the impact of all this additional “fun” hits us like a tidal wave, leaving little to no chance for us to worry and fret. Instead, we just ride the wave as best we can.
And then, it’s suddenly over.
For those of us in northern climes, the soothing quiet of winter settles in around us. The end of the year brings the urge to reflect and plan, but – still – we seem unable to find a few moments of time to steal away for a date with our own thoughts. I had the rare chance this past weekend to enjoy almost two solid days of time to myself, and I found the experience almost alien. It had been that long. It took me nearly the whole of my time alone to relax into the idea that I could spend time with no purpose, no deadline, no guilt, and no demands. When I finally surrendered to the moment, it was glorious. I read a book and a half (something I haven’t done for ages), watched a couple movies, and even took a nap. I felt like a new woman.
As 2010 lurches out of the starting gate, we’re hoping that each of you will find a way to give yourself a little mommy “time out,” if you will. We know from experience how challenging it can be, but also how worthwhile the effort is.
So, here’s to stealing away for a quiet walk, a good read, a creative adventure, or – dare we say it? – a guilt-free nap.
Please share your tips and tricks for creating these mini mommy retreats. You might just give another mom the priceless gift of a few moments of blissful solitude.
I have found that my retreat is a long…….. hot shower. that is the only time everyone leaves me alone. I will stay in there until the water is running cold. But then I feel totally relaxed again. It is my only me time and i love it.
I love being a mom, but….it was not in my plan when I married to be a single mom. I don’t think that it is truly in anyone’s plan, but it was God’s design. In order to get the peace and quiet that I know that I truly need sometimes from my three, I pop in a movie or give them papers and pens or other craft items that do not require cutting or glue and I either hide in the bath tub and read without them knowing that that is what I’m really doing or I go in my room, tell them I am changing clothes and lay there on my bed on my back. Also, though money is tight, I find a way to afford a sitter so that I can get some peace. I think that things are, rather, I know that things are more difficult in my situation because two of my children have special needs. Now that my brood are ten, six, and four, I give them a little more independence and I see my chances to get a momen to take a deep breath. It works for me and it might work for other moms as well. Now when they are in school, that is a horse of another color. I do work two jobs, one driving a bus and one in an office in the middle of the day. I find time sometimes to go and get a pedi and a mani because I need it at that moment. Sometimes I just go home and take a shower without someone banging on the door. Now that they are school age, it is awesome and it is more freedom for me, but still when they get home, there are still those things that I wish I could do to get away for a moment that I know I can’t do, but I do find a moment to find peace. We all have to or we will go nuts.
I find that my favorite moment of solitude is at the end of the day, after my children are asleep. I can breathe a sigh of relief. I tend to curl up in my bed and read. That is a luxury that most mom’s never get around to, but is a must. Escape reality through a good book.
When I need to get away, I pop my daughter – 5 months – in the car seat and drive. Typically, she’s quiet/falls asleep, so I just drive. We’re surrounded by mountains, so it’s nice to just drive, listen to music, and breathe. Another thing I do is take baths every day. It might seem a little excessive, but one of the best ways I regain my energy/recharge is by sitting in my tub and taking a few deep breaths. Simple, and close to home.
Both my daughters are grown now and I am a Nana to a 17 month old granddaughter. I keep her as often as I can, and usually every weekend. My alone time comes after she is gone to bed which thankfully is about 7:30. I feel that all children are a blessing from God and just because one can produce a child does not make them a parent. Some of the best parents are not able to have children.
I think having a moment alone is overrated. try not having your kids all week and getting them only weekends. people need to be grateful for what they have. i would give anything to not have a moment alone. stop taking granted of what you have!
If you had kids around all the time I think you would understand more. Just like I don’t understand what’s it’s like to only have my kid on the weekends. No one is taking anything for grant
I’m sorry for your situation, I can’t imagine how hard it must be. I must say though that everyone can only take so much, it’s not taking it for granted, it’s being human! No one would ever fault someone who works 40+ hours a week for needing a break and it’s no different for moms!! I know I for one feel giulty because I need 10min to myself but I’m only human, and I knowI need to have those moments alone to be the best wife and mother I can be!
the above post was meant to be in response to Teresa
I am a military spouse, and currently he is deployed for the year! We have three sons ages five, two, and two. I also have taken on my brothers three, ages eight, six, and four (only girl) lol needless to say, my life is hectic.
I find that waking up at least thirty minutes and getting myself ready and having my time to pray and plan.. And have a cup or two of coffee before someone is awake to spill it.. Makes things go more smoothly.
Also sacrificing some sleep and having dinner w friends sometimes after bed time is a great relief.
Honestly, I like to read or just do somthing I’d never be able to do with my LO around. It makes me feel like I haven’t lost the ability to do it completely. Sometimes even just calling a freind up and having a conversation where I am uninterupted is a great feeling.
@Renee – A long, hot shower sounds like a good idea. Sometimes you have to make excuses, but I say – “whatever it takes!”
@Yolanda – Sounds like you’re putting little white lies to good use – creating the retreats and balance you need. Good for you!
@Rachel – I LOVE to read in bed. It’s a “luxury” I gave up for a long time, but I’ve just started getting back into the habit and am enjoying it SO much.
@Nicole – Long drives through the countryside and daily soaks in the tub … sounds like a good a good recipe to me!
@Debbie – Wise words. Becoming a parent is much more than biology.
@Teresa – I hear the ache in your words and am sorry for your situation. That must be so difficult. Every mom shares some experiences with other moms, and has some that are her battles alone. I wish you the best with your challenges.
@Shannon – WOW. That’s some crazy workload you’ve got there! I agree that “stealing” a few moments of solitude at the start of the day can do a lot to get me off on the right foot. Somehow, having those moments to myself let’s me feel more sane.
@Julia – It’s a good thing that little efforts can make big differences in our outlook, isn’t it? A few moments with a book or on the phone with a friend can turn your mood around 180 degrees. Great suggestions!
Yes, solitude is so important. And yet I find myself avoiding it sometimes. I think I’m so programmed to put other people and tasks ahead of myself that it’s hard to give myself permission to take quiet time. But, I am learning and better able to do it than I used to be. At this point in my life, it’s best to get the quiet time in the morning before the day begins. Check out http://www.minutestomoments.com for a handy guide. And, I love http://sacredspace.ie/ for prayer at my computer!
Wow. This is gonna sound like I’m bitching, but I just spent 7 month caring for a child on my own while my husband was deployed. No time to myself. My husband came back a little over a month ago and he wonders why I’m on anxiety meds. Anyway, with him home and on leave I still don’t get time to myself. Sundays are suposed to be daddy-daughter days. A time for them to bond. HA! He doesn’t take her anywhere or do anything but change her diapers and feed her while I still have to listen to her throw tantrums. I could leave the house, true. But I want to relax at home! Truth is since he’s been home I’ve gotten away from him and Marley for a total of 30 minutes. And my husband is to cheap to pay for dance lessons or kickboxing. So no time of my own will never come. I’m sure of it.
My solitude time is in the evening when I take a hot bubble bath. I can think about everthing I did for the day and what I’m going to do for the next day. It really relaxes me! I love it! I try to take a bubble bath every evening. After my bubble bath, I go to bed more relaxed and ready to tackle the next day.
There are several things I can or will do to “relax” me a bit. First off, I must agree…a warm shower is definately top rated because you’re alone..haha. Second thing, is after my daughter is asleep I know I can take it easy. So, I’ll go on the computer or just plop on the couch. Even just putting on the television helps me zone out. But despite my day of never-ending-care-for-my child…I would NEVER trade it.
Mine is holding my laptop and sit in the restroom.
I have found that my mommy time comes in the morning when the kids and daddy are still asleep. Also when little one takes a nap. Wehew!
I never knew what solitude meant or ever experienced it before until I came upon this blog today. I am a 27 yo single parent of a 9yo and 3yo. I put myself though four years of college knowing that I would need to be able to take care of my child and give her a better experience of life than what I had been given . I work full time and take care of my kids full time It is very hard to ever and I mean ever find time for myself or by myself. It is so easy as a mom to be selfless and put everyone and everything in front of things that we need. Being a mom I have found myself feeling guility for buying myself anything. Even necessities such as clothes that fit or replace underware that have simply worn out. It is something that alot of my co-workers that are mothers have the same guilt for. We all sit around and wonder why we all have this odd feeling of guilt for just getting something that we basically need. I as a mom of 9 years and every mother that is out there deserves a heroic applause. We are a very strong indivdual that seems to never let a cold or illness, stress, lack of sleep or lack of time get in our way to be the best role model and be a great influence on our children. I look back on growing up as a child and have realized that I had the best mom and she gave her all to make sure that we would one day become a responsible adult and grow up and be nothing but a great mom as she is! Cheers to all you Moms!
It’s amazing how luxurious a cup of coffee can be when you’re drinking it by yourself before the house awakes. Most mornings, I tip-toe downstairs and pour myself what feels like an extravagant cup of perfectly brewed coffee, turn on NPR, and sink into the couch, warming my hands and awakening my spirit for the day. It may be early, but it’s oh-so worth it!
@Andrea – Sounds like someone needs a lesson in “daddy duty!” I feel your pain (as I know many moms do). Although you may want to relax at home, you might need to make the concession that leaving the house is the only way you’ll get away. I used to do that myself – Sundays until noon. I’d browse a local bookstore or go for a walk. It wasn’t always as nice as curling up with a good book, but at least it was whine-free, AND sometimes a change of scenery can do wonders. Good luck!
@Glori – Another vote for bubble baths! I’m going to have to add that to my To Do list!
@Jess D – Though I hate to admit it, sometimes, “plopping” in front of the TV feels great. And, I agree with you totally – despite all the craziness, I wouldn’t change a thing!
@Jane – LOL. I heard from a lot of writer moms like myself that the loo is a commonly used “office.” Too funny!
@tasha – “Being human” is what it’s all about. Just because we’re moms doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings and weaknesses like everyone else.
@Jennifer Momohara – I’ve also found the early am hours to be a great retreat. Thank goodness I’m a morning person!
@Lauren – Thanks so much for your thoughtful and heartfelt comment. I’m sure many of our moms can relate to what you’re saying. I know I can! Three cheers to each and every mom for what she does each day!
@Sarah Daily – YES! Like I said in my response to Jennifer, I LOVE the early morning hours. They are definitely worth the effort of getting out of bed!
I think being a good mom is the best and most difficult job in the world. After leaving a demanding career to stay at home with my son, I have absolutely no regrets and I’m greatful to have this opportunity. There will always be time to work later, but we make sacrafices now to make sure my son has what he needs most… Mommy : )
My favorite way to relax is to take Jonas out for a walk/stroll around the neighborhood. My son gets to see lots of interesting things and I get some time to clear my head.
To all you moms out there: Keep doing the best that you can and be proud of all you give to those you love.
While I can empathize with the situation of only having your children on the weekends, I think that it is very unfair to imply that moms that have their children seven days a week do not appreciate what they have if they desire a moment alone. As a mother that struggled with infertility, I certainly don’t appreciate being told that I am taking my child for granted if I need a moment to myself. My son is my world, my reason for being, but I do enjoy getting to take a long hot shower, or getting the chance to read before I go to sleep at night.
Don’t judge someone until you have walked in their shoes. Just as I’m sure you don’t want to be judged for your situation, neither does anyone else here. A mother shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for wanting a little “me” time.
I am a single mom of 4 daughters 11,10,6,5 I like most never thought that i would be a single mom again. I thought I found the love of my life and we were (so I thought) very happy. i worked 70+ hrs a week and he was a stay at home dad. I was tired of missing out of my daughters lifes and so after 4 yrs of doing that he was a trucker again. It only took 6 months for him to cheat on me twice. I have been divorced for almost a year. been apart for 2 yrs. I play on a pool league on thurday nights that is my solitude. He hasnt seen the girls in almost 2 months I did have every other weekend to regain me again but he changed jobs and no child support either so. I am struggling beyond belief. I get migraines almost every week lasting a couple of days. I live in a small town and friends are few and far between and forget about dating guys fine out I have 4 kids they cant seem to get out the door fast enough. any help would be grateful to find me a little solitude…..
@Jean – Thanks for the words of encouragement … every mom needs a little of that now and again. I love taking my daughter for walks as well – since she was an infant (in her carrier or stroller) and now – she’s nearly 6 – with her zooming ahead on her bike while I stroll along behind. It’s always nice to get out together.
@Amy – I’m a crusader against the guilt thing and champion anyone who can help moms feel less guilty about doing a little something for themselves. We give so much – if we don’t replenish ourselves, we won’t have much left to share!
@Becca – I’m so sorry. Sounds like you have a very tough situation. Maybe you could ask the older girls to keep the younger ones entertained for an hour or so – freeing you up to have a little rest. Maybe you could find some part of the daily routine where they could manage on their own for a bit? Good luck with it. I’m sending good thoughts.