Facing the teen years can feel like standing on the edge of an abyss that can only be crossed by a very rickety ripe bridge – the kind that might fall out from under you at any moment. It’s scary to say the least. A couple weeks ago, we introduced you some people who can make the prospect of parenting a teen a little less daunting – the teen writers of Radical Parenting – a parenting advice blog where the advice comes straight from mouths of those-who-used-to-be-babes. In that first post, we invited you to ask the Radical Parenting staff your questions about raising teens. This week, they’re back with answers to some of the most popular questions. Read on to get their perspective and be sure to check out their site for more “behind-the-scenes” dirt on what works with teens and what doesn’t!

Popular Topic: Spending Quality Time with Your Kids

Fans of Being Mom Question: “I am struggling with getting my 15 year old son to spend one-on-one time with me. I have a 3 year-old and a 4 year-old that consume my time during the day so it’s very difficult for me to spend time with my older son. He doesn’t want to do anything with me! He will do activities with his dad (we are divorced) like attending sporting events, golfing, boating. I feel very left out and sad that there are only a few years left before he goes off to college and I want to make the most out of this time. Help!!” –Liz Iafrate

Radical Parenting Teen Answer: Hey Liz! To be honest, I didn’t spend much time with my mom either when I was 15. I am now almost 17 and I now spend so much time with her! I have two pieces of advice for you. It is completely natural for a 15 year old boy to not be around the parent of the opposite sex. However, with time, he will definitely open up more to you. I realized that as I grew up, I needed my parents. It’s a realization that comes in due time. As long as his grades are fine, he has a healthy social life and is all-around healthy, I wouldn’t worry. My other piece of advice is maybe you should try to go to some sporting events with him. It is clear that his passion is in athletics, and I think it’d be awesome if you were in that part of his life with him. I hope this helps!-Matt

Popular Topic: Allowing Freedom and Responsibility Socially and Romantically

Fans of Being Mom Question: “I myself have an 8 year old who is not at all into boys really yet but my question is when does everyone think it’s ok to allow your daughter to start dating? My husband seems to think boys and girls should have different rules with that, if it were up to him I think she would never date!!lol” –Kristeb

Radical Parenting Teen Answer: This is a tough one. I think what my parents did was great–many of the parents at my school also do this and everyone has done really well following it and not getting into trouble. It is the ‘tiered system.’ Basically my parents started with something really strict when I first asked to date (14). I was only allowed to go on group dates and my parents had to meet everyone going beforehand. We did that for 6 months and earned trust. When my parents could trust me then I was allowed to have my boyfriend come over to the house and watch movies or play games, but we had to leave doors open and eat with the family. Once that was OK for 6 months then we were allowed to go on our first daytime date at the mall or to the movies. And now I am 17 and we are allowed to go on dates alone as long as I come back by curfew and my parents can meet him. I think this system worked well because I was able to build trust and I had motivation to not break rules so I could get more freedom. -Ally, 17, Radical Parenting Intern

Vanessa’s Note: There were a few questions on how to get kids to keep rules, hang out with friends and be safe. The tiered system works great in all of these areas. Let teens earn trust and earn each new freedom.

Popular Topic: The Sex Talk

Fans of Being Mom Question:“How open do you teens really want us to be about sex? It’s a really fine (and uncomfortable) line that is very easy to stuck on one side of. And the rules are different these days!” –TipToe TipToe

Radical Parenting Teen Answer: “I hated having the sex talk with my parents. I think it is good for parents to be honest with their teens that it is a little uncomfortable and then stick to the basics. My mom and I laughed a bit about how awkward it was. Then she briefly went through what everything was and how it worked. She talked about how to stay safe and then left me with a book if I wanted to read more. She checked in a week later and I had one more question. This was great because I could probably go talk to her again, but it wasn’t too much.” –Jordan 15

Popular Topic: Will I Push My Teen Away?

Fans of Being Mom Question: “My 17 y.o has a boyfriend that does not respect her or treat her well. I tried talking to her about it, ignoring it and now pretty much tell her she should break up with him and find someone who will treat her the way she deserves. They have been together a year. Even her friends are asking her why she puts up with him and telling her to leave him . I don’t want to push her away, but she just doesn’t want to see the truth in front of her. (BTW, my 15 y.o son has a girlfriend I love, so its not that I think no one would be good enough for my daughter). Help!” – Sandy Prevor

Radical Parenting Teen Answer: Well like the reader said, she doesn’t want to push her daughter away..so she shouldn’t be too pushy in however she approaches this situation. That would only further push her daughters desire to be with him and would separate the mother and daughter even more. I don’t know what the mother has asked her daughter about, but she could try asking questions like: How does he make you happy? What are the things that draw you towards him? What’s the sweetest thing he’s done for you? Does anyone else catch your eye? Questions like that are indirect enough, yet still send a message. That indirect questioning leaves it open ended and she could come to a realization that he doesn’t make her happy and she could be better of with someone new. She could take her daughter out for some frozen yogurt or a shopping trip so it doesn’t seem like it’s an intervention.  -Morgan

Popular Topic: Whining Teens

Fans of Being Mom Question: “I am very open with my kids as well always have been, about any thing they ask or wanna talk about. When it came to raising my first 2 who was boys , I never had the whining problem , now my 15 year old daughter whines all the time ,when i try to get her to do chores, or do things for her self . All i ask of her is to do dish once in a great while , keep her room tidy , and do her own laundry and you would think her world was at an end . Yet she thinks that my husband and i should give her money when she wants, and allow her to go when she wants , and if not she whines. how can i make her learn more responsibility, but still not look like a bad mom.” –Tonya

Radical Parenting Teen Answer: Luckily for you, your teenage daughter is completely normal and acts just as any other teenage girl is supposed to act.  As I’m sure you know, at the adolescent age, girls tend to act more moody and whine a lot more than boys.  This is a result of the hormonal changes that are taking place in their body at this time. (aka puberty.)  It also can result from the daily stresses of life, such as ones you mentioned, like chores, or peer pressure, school, siblings, or even the way that parents act toward them.  But don’t worry, with good parenting and lots of patience, she will get over it!  This may seem radical, (ironic, I know) but my advice would be to:

First, stop cleaning her room and doing laundry for her.  Once she realizes her room looks like a pig-sty, and probably smells bad, she will clean her room herself and make a habit out of it.

Also stop doing her laundry for her.  My mom actually recently taught me this lesson after I complained about one of my jerseys not being clean for my tennis match.  She went out to Target, got me a cheap laundry basket, and told me that I should keep it in my room, put my dirty laundry in it, and do my laundry as I please.  As a person who likes to wear clean clothes, I do my own laundry all the time now, which I actually like, because my socks don’t get mixed with my brother’s, and I don’t have to sort my clothes out of everyone else’s in my family.  I taught me a great deal of responsibility and I have no problem with doing my own laundry now.  If your daughter doesn’t know how to use the washer machine, just kindly teach her how to, and make sure she’s always supplied with detergent/fabric softener.

In my family we also do our own dishes, so that it lightens the load on everyone else.  (So after a meal, everyone does their silverware, plates, cups, etc. that they used while eating, dries it, and puts it away where it belongs.)  This helps clean the kitchen and teaches responsibility at the same time.

Tell her she can’t leave the house until her chores are done and maybe even help you around the house a bit.  Don’t soften up on this rule, because if do do even once, she will remember it and think that she can get away from doing certain things around the house and sneak past you to have fun.  Being tough is important, and making sure that your rules are consistent is even more important, so that you don’t send mixed messages to your daughter.

Lastly, set an allowance for her, and don’t give her any extra money on the side.  Meet with your husband without your daughter to discuss this, and what chores you want her to complete, and whether it will be on a weekly or daily basis, and how often and how much you will be paying her.  Once you decide on all of this, set up a chart and then present it to your daughter with your husband.  Explain to her that she needs to learn responsibility and you can’t keep just giving her money all the time to go out with friends- she has to earn it- either get a job or get it through allowance at home.  Here’s a website that I found that can help you with that- there are plenty of other sites like this on the internet if you don’t like this one: http://www.chorecharts.com/

You could even make a contract with your daughter that incorporates everything I said, sign it, make your daughter sign it, and keep a couple copies of it, and leave one hanging in her room, and one for you as well.  This is to make sure that she understands and agrees with these rules- make sure that she knows that she will be rewarded by being able to relax, go out with you for fun, go out with friends, and get an allowance if she does all of these things, which really aren’t too bad once you look at it.

Now for the part about looking like a bad Mom.  There are sure to be a few “I hate you’s” and “Stay out of my life’s,” as it is with every teenager and their parent at some point, especially in a situation of frustration.  Just let her know that you love her and you are doing this to help her become a better person and learn responsibility.  Once she understands this, even if she doesn’t say she does, she will become more responsible- but I can’t guarantee she won’t stop whining, this is just a plain old teenage-girl thing, there’s no solving that!

Hope that helps! -Harrison, 17

About Radical Parenting: Radical Parenting is the only Parenting Website written by kids and teens! It was started by Vanessa Van Petten who is one of the nation’s youngest experts, or ‘youthologists’ on parenting and adolescents. She writes RadicalParenting.com with 120 other teenage writers to answer questions from parents and adults. Their approach has been featured by CNN, Fox News, and Wall Street Journal. She was also on the Real Housewives of Orange County helping the housewives with troubled teens. Her next book, “Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded?” is being released in September 2011 with Plume Books of Penguin USA.

Image Credit: Kristelle Denis