Evolution of a friendship
Posted on September 29, 2009 by FoBaM-Jamie
Make new friends, but keep the old – one is silver and the other is gold.
Last week’s discussions about moms helping moms and the sisterhood of motherhood got me thinking about the way that relationships evolve over time.
Every relationship changes with the passage of time – whether romantic or platonic, familial or professional. Even our relationships with ourselves change – hopefully growing to embody acceptance, respect, and love.
Perhaps our relationships with our children are the ones that change more dramatically than any other. While relationships with lovers may wax and wane, and relationships with friends come and go; our relationships with our children adapt endlessly as we – and they – grow older. My relationship with my parents has reinvented itself so many times that I can’t keep count. As an infant and very young child, I knew no other love; as I grew older, I discovered other loves which unfortunately drove wedges between me and my parents; as I grew older still, I began to appreciate everything my parents had done for me and held them in a new respect – seeing them more as peers than parents; today, now a mother myself, our relationship has deepened once more because of the many shared experiences that now exist between us.
I can’t help but wonder how my relationship with my own daughter will evolve. I imagine that we will have rough spots, but hope that we will eventually have a relationship that goes beyond the mother/daughter dynamic into the realm of best friends.
What about you?
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my relationship is way different than mine was with my parents,and also with my grandkids(have some living with me) i had fear n respect fro my parents my kids have a lil respect ,maybe it was the way i raised them,but they do respect elders ,I think I was their friend instead of a parent setting limits n bounderies
My parents where kind of a mess, so I am hopping to do things better. Having my education, travel, and fun under my belt helps so far but there is still work to be done. I love my son but had no clue being a parent was soooo much work even though I work with children for a living!
My relationship with my children is not the same at all with the relationship I have with my parents. My children tell me everything, we talk about everything. I hid a lot of things from my parents because they were so strict I didn’t feel like I could really talk to them. My dad was so mean and controlling, my mom was a little bit more open and let us do some of the things that dad said “NO” to. I love them both, but I definitely raised my children totally different from the way that I was raised. We are involved in each others lives, I support them in all they do, I didn’t get that same support. I am glad that God gave me a strong will, because I was determined not to do the same things my parents did and I often prayed about all of those things that I wanted to do differently. God gave me a good life and for that I am grateful!
@connie – Respect is a scarce commodity with many kids these days. Kudos to you if you’ve been successful in instilling a sense of respect for elders in your grandkids!
@Luckisha – I know! You really have no idea how hard parenting is until you’re knee-deep in it, right? Good luck on being the best parent you can – sometimes great things come from adversity.
@Sue – Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your own kids and a healed one with your parents. I think that the parent/child relationship has changed a great deal from the last generation to this one … whether the changes are good or bad depend upon your perspective and the particular day in question.
I never had a good relationship with my parents. They demanded respect without ever giving any so I was more afraid and bitter than anything. =[ I now have a little girl of my own and I am scared to death to end up like me & my mother. I am doing everything in my power to let my girl know she can trust me, she can succeed, I am proud of her no matter what, and that I love her unconditionally. I didn’t get any of that with my parents. They scoff at it now saying “You didn’t turn out so bad.” but the wounds are still there even though I am almost 30! It is a pain I NEVER want my child to feel…rejection, dismissal, being taken for granted, worthless and all by the people that I should have felt it from the most…it was unbearable. I was a straight A student, oldest of 8 so I had a ton of responsibility, polite, respectful, never broke the rules. I love my princess with all my heart and will raise her with the knowledge that she is loved but also teaching her that she needs to be respectful of others, kind, considerate, and all the things that God has called us to be as Christians.
i really appreciated your honesty it sure takes alot of courage, would love to share my feelings too but not comfortable in a pen forum like this probably will touch base via e-mail, i am a mother too and want to do things differently but sometimes see myself slipping into the very same blunders my parents did, and get frustrated at times.
@Tabitha: Wow, you described my IL’s to a tee, in just that part of your sentence. (below)
“They demanded respect without ever giving any….”
I was just talking about this with my son. He says I am a bit different from other mom’s of his friends….he can talk to me and doesn’t have to hide anything from me. He knows I find some of his choices inappropriate but he has also learned from them through open conversations that we have about them, either before he chooses to do something, or after the fact. I never had that from my mom and I think I would be a much better communicator had we had that open communication. As a single parent I feel I was more of a friend who set boundries than of a parent…..and think I did a pretty great job raising my son to share his feelings, emotions, errors and accomplishments with me! I love him! I love my mom and dad as well, but they were very strict and didn’t allow me to grow as a person and realize and communicate life in my own way. It was probably a self conscious decision to raise my son in a more open relationship! I am glad I did!
I have always held a lot of resentment towards my mom for the childhood I had. She and I have a very strange relationship. I don’t agree with hardly anything she does, but if she were to call me tomorrow and needed me for anything I’d be over there in a heartbeat. She will get on to me about what she doesn’t agree with as far as my daughter is concerned, and when I remind her that she wasn’t parent-of-the-year, so she couldn’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t do, she yells and tells me that she hopes one day my daughter doesn’t resent me the way I do her, because then I’ll know what pain is really like. My daughter is only five, and I’m only 24, but I am determined to make sure that I don’t repeat mistakes made when I was growing up. I have since forgiven my mom, I just haven’t forgotten, and her guilt eats her up as it is. Not all parents have a peachy relationship, and just be thankful if you do.
I have always instilled in my children that they can tell me anything with the exception of one sentence:
I AM DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL.
That is the only thing I dont ever want to hear come out of their mouths!! All the other sentences are trivial compared to that. Education will get you where you need to go when your friends are on their own road…
I was fortunate to have loving, hardworking parents that provided us with all the love my sister and I could ever want. They have always been there for me and I am grateful for that. That has not changed at all. Our relationship has only deepened. They were with my husband and I as we brought our son into this world. They adore him and shower him with all the love they have as they did unto me as a child. As a kid I knew I was loved and protected. As an adult I know I can love and protect. My son is only 22 months old so we are very bonded and there is no one more special to my little guy than mom. To the envy of my husband and both sets of grandparents. I am hoping he will know and feel love as I did. I only strive to do better, love more and be more to my child so that he will do the same for his children.
@Tabitha – Unconditional love combined with respect and kindness sounds like a perfect parenting recipe to me!
@Kelly – From one single parent to another, kudos! Sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job & your son will make some girl very lucky some day.
@Crystal – Learning from mistakes – ours and others’ – is a valuable ability. I wish you luck in your mom journey!
@Karen – LOL. I hear you on that one. Although, I won’t be adverse to the idea of a year off before college. It’s something I wish I’d done – given myself some time to think more and explore the world. But, prior to that, it’s nose to the grindstone all the way!
@Kristie – What a wonderful family you have. It’s great that you’re raising your son in the context of how he might someday raise his own children. It really is a cycle, isn’t it?
The relationship with my parents was a calling for me NOT to raise my children the same way. My dad ruled with control and religion. My mother spent my first 20 something years blaming me for everything wrong in her life. We no longer speak, haven’t for 6 years. After years of counseling, though, I am proud to say I am an awesome mom to 2 daughters… 17 and 19… things haven’t been perfect, but we have respect for each other, and are very open and honest. I wouldn’t trade my girls for the world, and could never understand why a mom would treat her daughter like she did me… by gones!!!
In regards to the bloggers poll:
I believe that if mutual respect & love is fostered in the home, between parent and child, that open & honest communication will follow. Open & honest communication is PART of mutual respect – if you respect someone you love, you are not going to lie or hide things from them. I have a great relationship with my parents, and my child to this point (he’s only 2.5 right now). I plan on continuing to build our relationship on mutual respect & love.
@Vanessa – Stay strong. Your awareness of “slipping” into those old blunders is proof that you will not make the same mistakes.
@Lisa – So sorry for what you’ve been through, but gladdened to hear that you are turning a new leaf in the family history with your own children. Good for you!
@Heather – Funny you should mention that, I had a similiar thought this morning … after I’d published the poll of course.
I agree that most of the elements of a good relationship are interwoven and somewhat inseparable. Still, there are some instances where you might fully respect someone, and yet not be fully engaged in any kind of communication. For instance, I have a friend who has a great deal of respect for her mother, but will probably never share her personal feelings because that just isn’t the kind of relationship they have. Mutual love and respect – You’re right – that’s the ticket. Best of luck with your little one!
Reading some of these posts reminds me anew how lucky I am to have the parents I do. Kudos to all of you parents who have come from less than ideal, or downright unhappy homes, and become great parents, instead of continuing the cycle. My mom came from a very disfunctional home, and instead of parenting us the way she learned from her mother, she has always been an amazing mom. I only hope I can do half the job as she did, with my own girls.
I will always be grateful for the childhood I had. It was never perfect, but not a single day went by that I didn’t know that my brother and I were both loved unconditionally. I know my parents tried their very best, amongst struggles to provide the best possible life they could for us, and communication was always open and honest. They always put us first, always found a way to let us us know that we were first and foremost. I admire my parents very much, now being a mother myself, I may not raise my children the exact same way that they raised us, but I am sure trying my best to instill in them the values and morals of honesty, hardwork, empathy, compassion and trust that they instilled in us growing up. Even now, I know that when I have a bad day, they are only a phone call away and they know the same. Noone’s life is ever perfect, but if we always on what we didn’t have as opposed to what we do have, we can never be happy. I have the greatest family any person could ask for, and though the circumstances might not always be perfect, as long as my children know the same feeling of love and contentment that I knew growing up, they will have everything they need to become self-sufficient, confident, contributing members of society.
I have wonderful parents who were not very strict or follow through on punishments. In turn I was an unruly spoiled child only spoiled in the sense that I got away with alot. I had no respect for them at the time and that has definetely changed since back then. I have been blessed with 2 of the most wonderful children on earth! I am grateful to GOD for the gift I have in them and pray that I continue to deserve them. Parents: We suddenly have a lot more in common and are closer than ever!!!
My mother told me recently she thinks I’m a better mother than she was. It kind of made me sad. I’ve always thought my mother did a good job with us. She had to work everyday, and because she worked so hard, I was able to graduate from college, get a good job. Now, while my kids are little, I only need to work part-time, and get to spend so much time with my kids. I told her I was only a good mother because of the role model she was when I was growing up.
I have great parents who do not meddle in my life (Unfortunately, can’t say that about the IL’s). My parents know their boundaries. I can forever try to point out my IL’s boundaries, that they simply will never follow. I pride myself in having a great relationship with my kids. They are more open with me than they are with their father. They know that school is important. My 15 year old just quit the school soccer team because of his grades in his honors biology and honors geometry classes. He’s hoping to make time for soccer next school year. He’s also thinking about graduating a semester early. During that semester he will either be working OR attending the community college.
My relationship with my mom was always a very good one. I wish my parents had pushed me harder to accomplish things in life though. this is one thing I am doing with my kids. They just assume college is the next step after highschool and they know that they can do what ever they set their minds to and that I will support them and help them however I can. I have been a single parent for about three years and it’s been a tough time but I think that my relationship with my two boys has grown stronger. They are 12 and 14 and even at this tough age they still show respect and lots of love for their mom!
I have to say I agree totally with Sue’s comment below. I could write mine but it would sound just like hers. My dad was a Baptist minister so I couldn’t do anytjing…no dances, dates, playing cards, wearing make-up, going to the show…etc. etc. etc. Not because the Bible said it, because my father was so so strict. I did talk to my mom too but it wasn’t the same as the relationship I have with my girls. There’s nothing we don’t talk about. For that reason even though they have made some mistakes and bad choices (haven’t we all?) they are very strong, indepenfant women with a firm hold on tjeir faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Not because I MADE them do it…but because they want to do what they believe is right. They all have their children in church and every one of my grand children have asked Jesus into their heart. There are a few changes I would’ve made, but in all I feel good about the relationship I have with my daughters.
@Cherie – It is inspiring to read the stories of moms who have faced different challenges than our own. I feel the same way you do – very lucky to have the amazing parents I have … both for my and my daughter’s sakes.
@Lori – All very well said. I had the same kind of parents – real people who worked hard and did the best they could. I remember my childhood fondly and attribute much of my success (personal and professional) to the way they raised me.
@Lynne – Sounds like you survived your unruly childhood just fine.
Kudos to you & enjoy your wonderful relationships.
@Nancy – Wow. That must have been a strange thing to hear. I think it’s almost impossible to compare any one mom to another in a blanket statement like that. Each mom has her strengths and her weaknesses – ultimately, she hopefully has whatever her children need most from her.
@Gina – Congrats on your son being so mature and level-headed. You must be doing something right!
@Charlene – Wonderful that you have been able to create such close relationships with your daughters despite some distance in your relationships with your own parents. Good for you!
I have to say that my mom is and has always been not only a parent but also a dear friend to me. Whenever I was younger and friends betrayed me or I was feeling down, she was the one person who was always on my side. Sometimes she knew I was in the wrong and she would tell me that…but still she stood beside me always. Still today when I’m having a bad day I call her or stop by to see her and no matter what is happening in my life she always understands. My dad is a great parent and I love him dearly, but he could have never understood what it is like to be a teenage girl, or a new bride, or a mom.
Now I have two daughters of my own. The oldest turns 16 today, the younger will be 12 tomorrow. They along with my own mom are my dearest friends. My oldest daughter tells me everything and I always make sure that she knows she can tell me anything!! My husband is a lot like my own father, he’s a good dad but doesn’t understand how it is to be a “girl”.
I cannot imagine anything that could compare to the love and friendship that I share with my mother and my daughters. I am so blessed and I thank God every day for giving all of this to me!!
I have a bond with my mother that words can not describe. I lost my father April 7, 1989…my life and my families lives went upside down. since, my brother, sister, mother , and I have become close. There isn’t anything that we would not do for one another.
My relationship with my two handsome boys is just as close. They are open and honest with me, they can ask me anything and I will give them a straight forward answer. I don’t believe in “sugar-coating” anything. The world is too harsh for them to go into life believing every thing is peaches-and-cream.
I love them unconditionally and will always be proud of them no matter what.
THEY ARE MY WORLD….. as well as my family. Without them I would not be who I am today.
I have an 18 yr old freshman in college and a 4 yr old preschooler. My son and I have always been very close. Being a single parent, we went through some pretty difficult times, and you just never know how those challenges will shape your future. I’m proud to say he got a full ride to a great university, and takes his responsibility as a role model for his younger sister very seriously. He’s just an amazing person, and I’m very fortunate to have received my two “blessings”!
My parents are both gone now and I still miss them very much. Also my two sons are both grown, married and have children of their own so I also have the perspective of being a grandparent. The relationship in a family is so precious and needed. True love never stops or gives up.
I have a very different relationship with my parents than I have with my son,I have a good relationship with my parents,I have better relationship with my son. My son and I can talk open and honest no judgment we laugh we have serious conversations. I love my child more than life itself.
As usual I enjoy reading the life experiences of other mothers. My relationship with my parents was great. And Oh how I miss them! Its odd with adult kids. I continue to pray their strength in the Lord. And when they tell me about the many mistakes I made, I laugh with them and pray that they will be better parents.
My relationship with my kids is very different from that of my parents and I. My parents were a mess, and I was more adult than they were. With my kids, I hope that I they grow up happy that I was their mother. I hope that we have a mutual respect and appreciation of each other, and are close!
I had and still have a horrible relationship with my mother. My dad wasn’t and still isn’t around. You can say that I was worried that I would be like my mother and have my kids hate me. However, when I had my kids (boy-8 and girl-6), I became the mother that I was always destine to be…a wonderful, caring, loving, supportive, and teacher of things! My kids love me and I have an absolute perfect relationship with my daughter. We’re so close that I know my mother is jealous of everything I have accomplished in my life and my future goals that I am working towards. I’m active in their school and their education as well as showing love and discipline. I wouldn’t change my life for anything and I certainly don’t take it for granted!
I had a great relationship with my mom. I always knew I could talk to her about anything. Dad, too, for that matter, but, with my parents divorced, mom was the one at home. So far, my kids know that they are better off telling me the truth than lying to me. I am teaching them that I may not like what they are doing and we will talk about it, but that if they lie to me, there is a punishment to be had. So far, both are honest about things. Granted, they are young, 3 and almost 5, but I am hoping that by doing this now, we set a precedence for the tough stages to come. I was taught respect and trust went very much hand in hand. I never had a curfew. My mom felt I could be trusted to make good decisions and accept the consequences if I didn’t. As a result, I managed to stay out of trouble. The worse thing I could hear from my mom was “I’m disappointed”. I did everything I could to avoid that sentence. Hopefully, the same will be true of my kids. I’m pretty strict about listening to me and not letting them get away with anything. But I am also there for everything. I haven’t missed any lessons or games and plan not to. I want my children to know that I will always be there for them and that when I am tough on them, it’s for a reason. They use their manners and are polite, but it is because I am on them for it and have worked with them since before they could talk, making it just something they do. They aren’t perfect (and Lord knows I’m not either), but I think basic manners and respect go along way towards creating the kind of individuals I want them to be when they grow up. And above all, I want them to know (and tell them ALWAYS) that I will love them forever…that will never stop. Even when we don’t agree or they do something wrong. Love is not a reward, it is a constant! The rewards come later. I absolutely adore my children and the little people they are turning into and think that my husband and I have a great network that helps us to teach them to respect others and themselves. I do a lot of the work, but I don’t do it alone.