Wisdom from our guru moms – you!
Posted on September 22, 2009 by FoBaM-Jamie
One of the most appealing aspects of the Fans of Being a Mom (FoBaM) community is its diversity. In addition to hailing from the four corners, you also have a staggeringly wide range of experience. Each week, we receive comments from members whose mommy status ranges from mom-to-be to grandmother and everything in between. Hearing from all these unique voices broadens our perspectives and lets those of us with younger kids peek at the parts of motherhood that lie ahead.
For instance, I’m mom to a precocious Kindergartner; but I love reading the comments from the moms with older kids. The insights and opinions they share are like a crystal ball – giving me glimpses of how life with my daughter might change in five, ten, or fifteen years.
And, it will change. I know that. My daughter and I have already passed many milestones, most recently her first day of Kindergarten. My post on BabyCenter about that momentous occasion was partially inspired by the comment FoBaM mom Angela left on our back-to-school post. She said, “You have to remember that these little people are just that, people. They are on their own life path with their own experiences that will shape them.” Reading those words lit a light bulb in my head, and helped me understand (and appreciate) the way my daughter’s world is expanding.
So, I have two questions for you today:
1. What nuggets of wisdom have you discovered by reading the comments of your fellow FoBaM community members? (Feel free to give your fave mom a shout out.)
2. If you could give one piece of advice to moms with kids younger than your own, what advice would you give?
The stage is yours, ladies.
Photo Credit: Image by h.koppdelaney
one piece of advice would be to not be locked into a parenting style. Each child is unique. You can treat them all fairly without doing everything the same. Wish I would have done this more.
i have learned that most moms are still the vivacious women they were prior to children and you can have both in your life.
My advice to moms with children younger than mine is to enjoy every single minute with them. it goes fast and you never know what curveballs life can bring you, that can change you.
Be patient and its ok to have breakfast for dinner or stay up later than usual. your children will survive and you can be a child with them every once in a while
Don’t sweat everything. I have a 14 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. I am a lot more relaxed with the younger one. She sleeps with us sometimes, doesn’t want to potty-train, and is spoiled rotten. I even let her get dirty sometimes! I have learned that the time goes by quickly and kids have to grow up so fast these days. Billy Dean said it best – Let them be little because they are only that way for awhile.
I love that quote!! I say that to parents at my work all the time! Its so strong!
we must remember to not get in the way of our childs mind or their curiosity, they are little humans and they just want to look around and take in all they can and try to understand it all. that is our job to explain it to them and enjoy teaching and helping them.it is very sad to watch our babies grow, but it can also be exciting and fun. their minds are awesome and if we just take a moment and step back to listen to them it is wonderful and also can be funny at times. always remember the laughter because those memories can help you through the rough times.
My advice to moms with kids under a yr is do not leave your child in the bumbo seat on an elevated surface. My daughter was in her bumbo on our kitchen island (in the middle so it wouldn’t go off the edge if she somehow tipped over) and she popped herself out of the seat. I don’t know how she did it cause she was maybe 6mths. Luckily I was smart enough to have her in the middle but dumb to have her up there to begin with. I didn’t think it was possible for her to get out at an immobile stage. She didn’t get hurt and I learned a lesson
) *Silly first time mom*
I’m new to the FOBAM community – but as for wisdom to share, it’s pretty simple…just remember – everything is a phase. Everything is a phase.
so true! each time I have struggled with parenting one of my four kids, I remember that this is only a stage or a phase. it will soon pass and then we’re on to the next one! and what helped me to get through these phases is taking care of myself first. I have to love & care for me first before I can love on the kids. going to the hair or nail salon shouldn’t make us feel guilty or selfish. doing little things to pamper yourself will make you happy and your kids happy and more importantly, everyone will pass through those growing pains or phases much easier.
If i could give any advice to any mother it would be to make sure that when they are younger thats when they start to mold their children. When kids are young, its really easy to overlook some of the things they do and to even find some of it “funny” or “cute”. But children are learning what their boundaries are as young children. I suffered from this problem and now today, I am dealing with breaking my son’s bad habits
You hear it time and time again, but it is so very important: YOU are your child’s first and best teacher! Making everyday tasks into fun lessons for your baby, toddler, or older child is easy and so important! Have your child repeat the names of vegetables while grocery shopping. Explain things you’re doing as your child watches so s/he will learn different sounds, words, inflections, concepts, and actions. Read, read, read – even to a baby. Music is a wonderful tool to learn from – words, concepts, rhythm, motor skills – and it’s fun! Have your child help out with household chores. It’s so easy to teach when you’re the one your child is looking to for guidance! Have some fun with it!
Reading what other moms have to say gives me encouragement. It’s always nice to know how other moms feel.
My advice to those who have children under the age of 14 is: enjoy every minute you can with them. You’ll never get this time back. Make sure what you are “busy” doing is true. Most of the time what you are “busy” doing can really wait and spending time with your child is much more rewarding!
Enjoy everything about your children even if they are being naughty at least you are spending time with your children that day! Tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us and even if it was a bad day it was a day with your child!
Love every second that you kids hang off of you and wrap around you! When they are older you will be wishing for more! Never stress the small stuff, just make sure you are always there for them to show them how proud you are of there accomplishments! A smile to a child goes to such incredible lengths. Always be you and unconditionally with your munchkins
i think the one piece of adivce i have for moms with kids younger than 3 is just CHERISH the lil bald heads, the learning to crawl, the spit-up, the drool, the teething, all of it cuz when its gone its gone. Those moments meant/mean so much to me & i miss it everyday.
Let them know how much they mean to you and that if something ever happened to them how much it would hurt you. There are kids out their playing the choking game for attention. Give them all the attention and love that you can.
My advice is let your kid be a kid. Let them explore the world around them, and let them learn from their mistakes.
The best advice to raising your children,,,, DON’T ever forget you were one once yourself!
I am a mother of 2 teenage boys. They are 19 and 16.
I would like to just repeat something my own mother said to me many times….. Your children when older will not remember how clean the house was, if the dishes and laundry were done. However they will remember the amount of time you spent reading to them, pushing them on the swings, playing in the sand box, my boys remembering playing match box cars with them for hours, forts being built inside on rainy days, and all the hugs kisses and I love you’s.
And when they are at graduation day and seek mom out of the crowd and colapse in tears in your arms saying WE did it, it is a moment much like the day you give birth to them that you (mom) will never forget. Embrase every moment for they are the only thing that matter.
I have 3 children – 16, 11, and 21 months. My advice? LET GO of the notion that your house is supposed to be immaculate at all times. LET IT GO! I have spent so much time stressed out over what my house “should” look like, rather than enjoying the moments of joy amidst the chaos.
My advice: ROUTINE!
At least with bedtime.
Bath, read a story, snuggle, bed.
Get into a habit with them and bedtime won’t be an issue. With 3 high school students (and 4 more under the age of 10), I can say this works. Even now…. all of my kids are in bed by 10pm. They go on their own…
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Middle school is the exception of this rule. Between the ages of 10-14. They are not pretty children. They smell (and don’t care), they say mean things (and don’t care), they hate sleeping, eating, showering one day… and then love it all the next.
Middle school is only 4 years…. you will survive… if not… have more kids and try again (hehe)
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Make memories. Do something different for Holidays, birthdays, tooth fairy that no one else does. They will tell these stories when they go off to their dorms, or are bragging about their family. Give them ammunition…. give them memories.
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Take pictures… tons of them. Take advantage of free photo printing (Snapfish has some, Walgreens always does something) They are worth it, and having pictures surrounding you at work of your family makes you feel so happy. Get frames… even cheap frames.
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Have a date night!! Date yourself… your significant other, your kids.
Do something just for those you love! It’s worth every moment… you won’t miss out on anything.
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Teach your children to cook! Teach them to fall in love with food, feeding people and themselves. They must love it, before they know how to temper it. If they will eat all kinds of foods, then they will learn how to eat healthy.
A child can learn to live on Mac and Cheese… however they won’t be healthy. Have them try the world of food and they will learn to cook/eat what they love.
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It is okay for them to see you cry. They must know you are human… they must know you are scared for them… just as much as you love them.
Show them the strength in your tears.
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Walk away from abuse. Women/Men have been doing it for years. They have survived it. Yes, things will be tight, you won’t have two incomes or a house in the suburbs right away…. but you will have a safe home.
Please… for you and your children… walk away.
If you don’t, your daughters and sons won’t learn the strength to walk away on their own… or worse, pass it on.
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Your children are not saints… no child is.
Stand up for your child when they are being discriminated against or are being wronged.
Do NOT stand up for them when they are in the wrong.
If they wrong a teacher or person of authority, let that person know you will deal with the child. Let them know that you are one of those parents who will handle your kid if they do something wrong. Let your child know they were in the wrong…. make them rectify what they did.
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Our job as parents: To raise our children to be productive members of society… adults. Show by example.
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Chrissy, you are soooo right about the “busy” thing. A big wake-up call for me was when my 11 yr old daughter told me she didn’t think she wanted to have kids because moms just don’t have enough time. Broke my heart.
Oh what my kids have taught me! True, you may be their first and best teacher, but don’t forget, you’re learning along the way too. Here are a few things I’ve learned:
1. Every child has “unique” behavioral traits, such as……dumping a cup of milk over their head for no apparent reason besides to see what it feels like.
2. It’s nearly impossible to keep a child clean, even more so before special events. Kids are kids and will inevitably get dirty!
3. Sometimes, a mommy can need a hug just as much as her child, often at the same time……funny how things work isn’t it?
4. Unless they’re somehow harming themselves or someone else, it’s probably not as big of a deal as you think at that very moment.
5. Last but not least, children don’t come with instruction manuals. I’m not a perfect mother, but I love my children unconditionally and find ways to show and tell them that daily…..I will probably make as many mistakes as they do during their childhood…..but so did my Mom and I turned out okay!
As a mother of three ages 18 (girl) 17 (boy) and 7 (girl) and being 12 years old when my mother gave birth to twins, I can honestly say the best advice I have been given is, “don’t sweat the small stuff”
Be stern on safety, education and respect. Who cares if they are sleeping in your bed, wearing a neon green shirt with purple stripped pants or don’t want their hair combed… who? The only thing people want from your children is for them to be safe, learn all they can and to treat themselves & others with respect.
Amen sister!
I have a 10 month old son. My piece of advise is to cherish the cuddling time you get with little babies (even if it is to soothe their colicky screaming) because some of them will reach that “I wanna be big” stage a whole lot faster than others (we’ve been there for over a month now) and no longer want to be held or to cuddle. Once it’s gone, it’s gone and you can’t get it back. I’m so proud of my son & how smart, strong, and curious he is about the world, but oh what I wouldn’t give for those days when all he wanted was to be held!
My kids are 7 & 3 year old boys. My advice would be to take a really deep breath while they are in the throws of a temper tantrum – don’t freak out & worry about what everyone else is thinking if they are looking at you. Chances are, they are looking with a sympathetic eye, knowing full well that they’ve been thru the same thing – and even though it’s driving you insane at the moment, it’s making another mom feel like less of a failure
get a routine from the start. your child will be much more at ease at the end of the busy day if the evening routine is there to calm them
Don’t be afraid to get dirty. It’s a lot of fun!
When you make a mistake apologize to your child just like you ask them to do with you. No one is perfect and they should know that means their parents too.
Remember to be their parent first and their friend second. It’s ok to say no and set boundaries and reprimand when it’s needed. Set boundaries and stick to them. Yes, it’s ok to bend the rules once in a while, but if you’re not consistent, then your child won’t truly understand what is and isn’t allowed.
Also, never be too busy for hugs and kisses. Never say no to that because that affection is the most precious gift your child can give you.
I have a 13-year old daughter. It seems that she changed overnight from wanting to be by my side every moment to wanting nothing to do with me. Her counselor gave me the best advice and it works – talk to her about the things she is interested in. I started doing this it completely changed our relationship. Now she shares songs and stories she has written, and she even talks to me about the boys that she likes and problems with her friends.
Also – my parents were very strict, and I don’t want to be that way. I’ve always allowed my kids to express themselves. Now, instead of being being pushed around by their peers, they are able to speak their minds and express how they feel. Not being able to express your needs and wants will hurt you in your career and your relationships. I know this from personal experience!
For question # 2 – Enjoy each moment and treasure them. Don’t keep wishing they were older and doing more or you one day realize you wished the time away. You never get back those moments and before you know it they are grown and out on their own – with their own families.
If you can afford it, stay home with your children. My husband and I have work opposite eachother for over 9 years, so we can care for our children. I raise them. I would not have it any other way.
“advice” They are smarter than you think but they are still babies and shouldn’t be expected to act older. Melissa, Mother of a 3 yo boy.
The best advice that I can give mom’s with children younger than mine is the same most mom’s will give. Enjoy them. It seems like it was just yesterday that I heald them in my arms for the first time and now I have 1 in first grade and a set of twins in kindergarten. They still need my shoulder to cry on but it won’t last. Enjoy them!!
Children are priceless and the privilege of parenthood should be an honor. They are only babies for a short period of time and in that time you should love them, kiss them and hold them as often as possible. Babies do not cry to annoy you or control you, they cry because that is how they communicate. Do not ever let anyone convince you to “cry it out.” It will only cause more harm than good. It causes the baby to learn not to cry because you’ve just taught the child you won’t listen or care if it cries. The child learns not to trust you. And you teach yourself to ignore the cries. Which is just wrong.
Breastfeeding is the only right answer. Again, don’t let some idiot talk you into formula. Unless you medically cannot breastfeed, you have no excuse to not. Even if you cannot do anything else for your child ever again, at least start him or her out with the best you can. Even if its only for a few months, at least try.
I fell victim to letting others tell me how to be a mom and finally when I realized the reasons I was so upset was because I wasn’t being the mom I wanted, but the mom everyone wanted me to be. As soon as I listened to my own instincts my daughter and I became much closer and much happier. Please, listen to your inner voice, and you can’t go wrong. Take advice, but only use the advice that you feel is the safest and best for your child. No one can be a better parent to your child than you.
Well I must say I read a quote right here on Fans of Being a Mom that has really stuck with me. I can honestly say that I remind myself of this almost daily!!
“To all Moms, though the days are long.., the years are short!!”
This could not be more true. I encourage all moms to think of this when it is just past 3:00 in the afternoon and you are worn out and thinking, “OMG, still 4 1/2 hours untill bedtime.” Trust me I know.
Moms for some reason feel the need to be perfect and Superhero-ish. But we are not. We are human. Full of mistakes and mishaps that we should seriously look back to and laugh.
Also another fabulous Mom who has inspired me when it comes to being a parent said, ” so my house isn’t always clean. I would rather spend my time doing something fun with my kids!!” And her children are now in there 20′s and never leave her side. I could only hope that I will be so lucky 20 years from now.
The only true advise that I can spread around is to LAUGH. Everyday. Be silly, be a goofball. If you can’t really think of what to do at that moment, take turns telling jokes with your little ones. If you are terrible at coming up with something creative and funny on the spot, you can get a book of jokes from the library and create hours of fun and memories. So when your little one comes back at you with a joke that makes no sense what- so- ever, LAUGH. As hard and loud and true as you can. Your smile will be just as amazing to them as theirs’ is to you. And it won’t cost you a dime.
My advice is to build an interest in books with your child/children. Read aloud to them every day. Take time to play with your children–don’t get so caught up in the household tasks. Pray for and with your children every day.
My advice to parents of younger children….1: don’t buy new clothes or lighter colour clothing. 2: of my teenagers; be strict but with compassion and STICK to YOUR WORD! on the discipline at any age…even if your divorced, hold a united front. Trying to be the ‘cool parent’ hurts kids more then anything else. Kids need 2 parents to help establish their future relationships, the superhero image of single parent does not last forever. Last but not least, show them a faith at a young age. They won’t tell you everything but they can pray and will tell a higher power everything! Sometimes they need to figure it out on their ‘own’.
I heard another mom comment this morning that you don’t know a milestone has passed until it’s happened (such as your child no longer wants to be carried everywhere, but wants to walk on their own), and then it’s too late to have a do-over. Relish each moment, for it might not come again.
I’m a mom of four sons. A set of twins 21, another son 19 and the baby 9. The biggest thing I would have to say, love them all equally. Treat each child to their personality. One thing that has always stayed with me all these years is a poem that I read, titled ” A mother’s favorite child.” Every mother has a favorite child. The child who needs help or is sick or just needs the extra loving, is mom’s favorite child. How true that all is. Just always love the children God blessed you with, and always, always let them know how much you love them. Remember we never know what tomorrow will bring.
My advice to moms with really young children is that even though this is a busy time of your life, enjoy each AND every moment with your children because they are only young once & grow up fast!
My piece of advice would be that no one is born a mother, we all learn how to be a mother. A lot of women believe that we are all born knowing how to be the perfect mother which is not true. A lot of moms get frustrated that they may not know how to be the perfect moms and this all takes learning and time. I learned so much on “mothering” from the months that my mother stayed with me and continue learning how to be a mother from her (my kids are now 5 and 8). Don’t be afraid to ask and get advice, no matter how many books you read (what to expect…..) the best advice always comes from someone who has been there and done that!!!!
As a parent of grown up kids (so I’ve been through all the “phases” – including the daughter as new mother), I would like to tell all mothers to make sure that their children know that no matter what, they love them and are there for them. Especially in all of the rebellious years.
I had first hand experience with a really rebellious teenager. I persevered with that one message (even when I just wanted to strangle her or throw her out of the house LOL). Don’t get me wrong – we did have some rip-roaring fights. And I kept letting her know I loved her, even while we were screaming at each other.
I still think that she chose me as the focus of her rebellion because she knew that I would continue to love her no matter how much I disapproved of her behaviour. And that I would be there when she needed me. And I would be proud of all of her (non-rebellious) accomplishments. When she got put her teens and her rebellion behind her, we still had a close bond that has endured to this day.
In fact, we are so close now that, when she brought her micro-preemie baby (15 weeks early) home, she deliberately moved 3 blocks from me so she could have me close. And, of course, there is a new bond forming as we all delight in her little miracle child – as more or less equals in motherhood.
1. Choose your battles.
2. You can’t spoil a baby.
3. Kids are far more resilient than you’ll ever know.
4. When you bring home your first baby. Live your life the way you did before the baby came. Play music and let the dog bark. If you silence the house, every single noise will wake up the baby.
5. Remember, you are the role model that shapes a life.
Forget the laundry, it can be folded later, forget the vaccuming, there’s time enough later, forget the dishes, they can wait until naptime. Remember that children take in everything and understand a lot more than we think. Never be too busy to play, to hug to comfort. Never say “later” because we never know when later may not get here. Hold your children, love them unconditionally, and looking back, I don’t remember what the house looked like, what time the dishes were done, or if my bed was always made. I do remember walks to the park, uncontrollable laughter and going to bed knowing mommy and daddy loved me. If I accomplish nothing else throughout the day, I certainly can rest easy at night knowing that my kids know they’re loved and that mommy and daddy are on their side in this walk through life.
The one piece of advice I have for people with children younger than mine is to not compare your child with other children their age. I always heard things like my child potty trained at 15 months and they did this at this age. Each child is an individual so don’t worry if your child didn’t say his/her first word when they were 5 months old or didn’t walk at 7 months. As long as they are healthy and happy, that’s all that matters!
Someone told me when my children were small to catch them doing something good. We try so hard to instill good behavior in our children that we sometimes only see what they do wrong. I started to do just that and it changed my perspective and helped to balance all the times I heard myself correcting “bad” behavior. Better for me. Most important, better for my children.
My advice is about the same, choose your battles. Can’t spoil babies. Each child is different, treat them that way. And the house can wait. Life experiences can’t. They won’t remember how the house was kept. They will remember that camp out were it rained all weekend or when their birthday cake caught on fire in the oven. They will grow up and move out.
love your children like there is no tomarrow. hold them, hug them, cherish every little spill, laugh, cry, game… everything you possibly can. before you know it your little one will be spending less time with u andu will miss the smallest of things, and there is no getting them back. cherish your little ones with everything you have.
What I have learned is that kind words and loving encouragement go a long way…there is nothing like a mother’s wisdom and love through the difficult times.
Wow. You guys have some amazing stories & advice. Thanks for coming by the blog to share. I love that you are borrowing wisdom from each other and am thrilled that Fans of Being a Mom gave you a place to find those little nuggets of knowhow.
My own advice? Like many have already suggested – cherish each moment. If you’re a first-time mom, you really have no idea how quickly the years will go by. No idea. My daughter just entered Kindergarten, yet I swear I was just rocking her to sleep a couple weeks ago.
Also – practice honing your sense of humor – you’re going to need it. If you can laugh with your kids, you will keep the lines of communication open, and that (I think) is one of the most important long terms any parent can have.
Thanks so much for sharing all your insights – wonderful to read and definitely a great reminder about what’s important.
Cherish each day you have with your children it does not last long enough. Remember to keep every weed ever given to you because one day the weeds do stop coming. To keep laughing and never ever forget to play your never to old. And if it’s between the house being clean and playing twenty years from now they will remember you played not that the house was clean.
My “baby” turned 18 on the 15th. Now that one was tough! My two older children are girls and two of my very best friends. My “baby”, a boy also shares the distinction of best friend. He is a Senior in high School so the milestones just keep piling up. He has been an easy teenager; Seriously. He attends a private Christian school so a lot of the usual teen issues that we all go through have thankfully been avoided. He has good, clean friends that are a joy to be around.
My advice to all of you Mom’s with young ones: Know that your children are people. They have opinions. Let them have an opinion. You don’t have to agree with it but do allow them to tell you what they think. I believe that I have had such a great relationship with all of my children because I respected them and their opinions. Remember, I said I didn’t always agree but I let them voice them.
I have learned that starting each day knowing that it is not going to be perfect takes alot of pressure off of me. I have 3 kids, 1 in kindergarden a soon to be 3 year old and a 1 year old. Today was an adventure, my 1 year old is a fussy teether and my 3 year old is a peeing on the floor potty trainer. Even though I am looking forward to the end of this day we are truly blessed and these little things can not stress you out. Tomorrow is another day and has the potential to be an awesome one. And even though you may be getting aggravated positive reinforcement is key.
My advice would be to cherish every moment for they do grow up fast but also teach them to be independent.
I learned that you should take LOTS of pictures that first year. It’s absolutely astounding that they go from human blobs (and I mean that in the nicest way) to little people, beginning to walk, talk and have an actual personality, in such a short time. Amazing!
All I can say is keep your sense of humor. My kids are 16, 12, 8 & 3. I love them to death! I would be empty without all this chaos!
My girls are 21, 19 and 14 and are all living at home. The older 2 were away at school but with economy, they are back home this semester (and I love it!!
Navigating teenage years with them is tough, but I don’t stress now because I know it won’t last forever. My advice? Hold on to as many precious moments as you can in your heart, on film and in their baby book so you will be able to give them a solid memory of the love you have shared as they grow up and start out on their own. And it is a blast to look back at how far they have come!
My best peice of advice is to not holler at your kids. They do not hear you any better just because you raise your voice. I think my lids did not tune me out when I talked with a calmer voice.
I have 16 and 18 year old sons. While I could give lots and lots of advice here, I will just say…slow down….don’t rush through your life or your child’s. It goes so very fast and before you know it, they are bigger than you!! Take every opportunity.. the one thing I see much too often is mom’s walking through a store, or in the car, talking on their cell phones and ignoring their children. When my kids were young we always talked or sang in the car, and we all still remember those times. kids need your attention, you can talk on the phone to “whoever” later. Also-say “I Love You” because they learn from their parents and now I am so lucky that I get to hear my children say they love me numerous times throughout the day. My “big boys” tell me they love me and it’s music to my ears!!
What encouragement! I was feeling burnt. This month has been a challenge. I started a new job and work the overnight shift. My three toddlers are very active and sleep doesn’t come easy. While reading your comments I started to cry. Everything is true, they grow up so fast, nothing lasts (you’ll get through the bad days), don’t worry so much about the house or the laundry, laugh and play with them. I’ve been busy trying to get enough sleep for work or catch up on errands and chores on my days off. That I felt my family was in the way (a bother). I lost focus and forgot to care for my family first. Jobs come and go but I’ll never get back the time I lost with my babies. Thanks
1. I learned the longer you wait to sell your dear sweet child to the gypsies or send them off with the circus, the harder it is to find someone to take them. Do it while they are still cute!
2. The best advice that I can give that holds true most of the time…
Just wait, it can only get better. Unless of course it gets worse.