We’re tickled to once again have guest writer Renee DeLuca Deans here to tweak our funny bone with her own sense of wry and witty mama humor. Today’s treat is her list of  eight summertime survival tips. Forget applying sunscreen or hydrating – these tips come compliments of the experienced mom who knows the truth about how to get through summer unscathed. We hope you laugh as much as we did! Enjoy!

It’s finally here, another glorious summer! Living in Massachusetts I spend three quarters of the year waiting for this very season yet somehow, when it finally arrives, it rolls in equal parts amazing and ‘isn’t it time for you guys to go bed yet?’ This time, like a good boy scout with lady parts, I will face this mixed bag of a season prepared and I suggest you do the same. Here are my survival tips for a successful summer vacation:

Get Your Tan On. Everyone knows a sleepy kid means an easy bedtime so run those little suckers ragged. Hit the beach, the pool, the slip and slide, go pick some blueberries, play catch, take the dogs for a walk, splash in puddles, build a fort, blow dandelions on your neighbors lawn…just do it all outside. By 7pm they’ll be begging you to put them to bed and oh look, your arms look thinner with a tan. Double bonus.

Play Local. A vacation with young children really is just an expensive change of scenery so stick with whatever’s within sane driving distance. Save yourself the overpriced airfare, the oh-so-believable “Don’t make me turn this plane around!” and the trying to pretend that’s the first time your son has ever yelled, “CAN YOU SEE MY BUTT?” while walking through the full body scanner. Spend some of that money you save on Photoshop and insert your cute little kids in front of the Grand Canyon and then be all mock-offended that they don’t even remember going. “See, this is why we’re not going anywhere this year. You don’t even remember us taking you to one of our nation’s most treasured National Parks.” You can thank me later.

Don’t Forget Bath Time. Chlorine + water = bath, right? It’s summer vacation, if you can remember the last time your kids set foot in an actual bathtub, you’re going about things the wrong way. I trust the chemicals I throw in my pool to kill algae and whatever that brown funk is, I can certainly trust them to kill some kid germs as well. Plus, they cost a whole boatload more than Johnson & Johnson and everyone knows that the more expensive something is, the better it works. Their hair got wet several times, which means bath time was successfully completed. You may put them to bed now.

Lie, With Purpose. My two oldest boys are six and five and can’t read very well yet. Their teachers sent home several pages of summer activities for them to complete before school starts back up. How will they know if I add a few of my own? Sandwiched in between summer reading and ‘count all the forks in your house’ they might just find ‘practice mopping the floor’ or ‘rub mom’s feet’ or ‘be nice to your brother for a whole day. No really, a whole day’. Clearly, they had really smart teachers who thought to include such things, who are we to argue?

Create A Count Down Calendar. Kids get chocolate advent calendars at Christmas, we should get calendars for summer vacation filled with our own little rewards. 81 days left of summer vacation? You just earned yourself a massage. 45 more days until the big yellow bus pulls up in front of your house? Looks like Dad just “volunteered” to watch the kids while you get your nails done. I envision opening days with a babysitter, a play date with parents I like, a quiet place to read a book and some shopping money. See, summer just keeps getting better!

Practice Believable Deniability. Warm weather always signals the start of the many times I will have to pretend my kids belong to someone else. Usually we’re at the playground and usually it involves public urination. When a mom I just met came running up to report that two boys were peeing onto to the sidewalk I quickly gave her my best, “Wow, that’s awful. Their parents should be ashamed” and she totally bought it. Until those same two boys ran up and asked me to help them zip their pants because they had just peed on the sidewalk. And they called me mom. This year we plan to get our routine buttoned down a little tighter.

Apply Your SPF Daily. Wine is my personal Sanity Protection Factor and my steadfast rule is to never run out. If my well do runneth dry, I’m the mom you see other people shaking their heads at as I meander the aisles at Liquor World with three boys in Super Mario pajamas. Don’t judge, I guarantee one of them just went all WWE on the dog while the other one smeared himself with a secret recipe of Poison Ivy and Windex all while I put the baby down for a nap. It’s mental sunblock. Reapply as necessary.

Most of all, Enjoy It. Some day when I’m much older, sipping a lemonade and Geritol spritzer on my front porch, I know I’ll look back at this time and I’ll miss it. My days may be quieter and my house may be cleaner, but neither will be filled with the nonstop craziness of a young family, a geriatric dog, and an insane puppy. I’ll miss those little suntanned bodies and sweaty heads that don’t yet smell bad. I’ll miss squirt gun fights gone wrong and popsicle-stained hands and the victorious screeching of a boy that finally learned how to swim in the deep end. I’ll see parents with young children who look like they’d give their left arm for a full night’s sleep and I’ll tell them that these are the good days and they’ll think my clichéd sentiment and I are crazy. The nonstop chorus of ‘I’m bored” and “I hate my brother” will have long-since faded and I know what I’ll remember the most is, “Thanks mom, that was the best day ever.”

Happy summer to you!

Renee is a married, full-time mother of three animated boys and two almost-as-animated dogs. Most days she can be found pounding coffee, playing cars, dressing up as the Super Mario Brothers and watching the world through her three boys’ eyes. Renee is a passionate cook who spends almost as much time finding new recipes as she does figuring out ways to convince her kids to eat them.

Image Credit: Sean Ganann