Torn – Real Mothers. Real Careers. Real Conflict.
Posted on June 21, 2011 by FoBaM-Jamie
Please see the end of this post for your chance to win a copy of Torn, and to learn how you can submit your questions about the work/life balance to author, Samantha Parent Walravens.
“Mom, why do I have to go to summer camp?”
“You know why, honey.”
“I know, I know – because you have to work. But why do you have to work? Why can’t you take the summer off with me?”
This is a conversation I have had with my daughter at least once a week for the last two months. Though I know her questions are innocent, they leave me feeling tired and guilty and a little bit sad. Like so many other mothers, I find myself having to justify my employment to my child … and my explanations often come up short, at least in her eyes.
In Torn, True Stories of Kids, Career and the Conflict of Modern Motherhood, author and editor Samantha Parent Walravens brings together essays by forty-six moms who are facing the challenge of balancing parenthood with working:
Trying to strike the right balance between career and motherhood is one of the most stressful, heart-wrenching issues facing women today. In Torn, forty-six women examine the conflict between the need to nurture and the need to work, and reveal creative solutions for having the best of both worlds. The stories in the collection offer hope and inspiration, but they also reveal the messy realities of modern motherhood and life’s inevitable crises, both small and large: from breast pump mishaps to battles with cancer; diaper blowouts to debilitating depression; competitive cupcake baking to coming home from war. In the end, the reader can take comfort in the knowledge that there is no perfect mother; nor is there a perfect balance when it comes to kids and career. The real challenge facing women today is not juggling their many roles, but realigning their expectations of what is possible and accepting that success does not equal “doing it all.”
The book includes essays like You’ll Never Look Like Heidi Klum by Heather Cabot, Of Course I Work by Susan Cleary Morse, Cupcake Crazy by Liesl Jurock, Multiple Identity Crisis by Berta Davis, A Date With Myself by Sara Debbie Gutfreund, and Observations from Planet SAHM by Sue Repko. The words of these women cover the spectrum of the motherhood experience as it relates to work and career. The bottom line: there are no two solutions exactly alike.
GIVEAWAY: If you’d like a chance at one of three free copies of Torn, compliments of author Samantha Parent Walravens and the folks at Coffeetown Press, just leave a comment below with your question about how to find that elusive work/life balance. We’ll pick three random winners at midnight, Wednesday the 22nd.
Whether you win a copy or not, you’ll still get a treat because Samantha will be answering your questions in a follow-up post next week. And, if you’d like to participate in the on-going motherhood/career conversation with other moms, swing by our Working Moms group to ask questions or offer answers.
Thanks for the chance!
This looks like a book I need to read! I have a 15 month old and have definitely not achieved balance! Hope I win!
Thank you for the chance to win a copy.
I am not only juggling work and motherhood, but also friendships. My existing friendships and then the mommy friendships that others seem to have, which I see at every soccer game I can make. All the SATMs seem to be together cheering eachother kids on. I want that support for me and my child too – I wish there were working mom support groups – but how would we have time to fit that in too!? Any suggestions?
Same boat as you Blanca! I can’t wait to hear the response to this!
Great question, Bianca. I was just thinking about the exact same thing yesterday.
I would love this book!! Working with small children is defiantely a tough act!!!
I about cried when I read your summary above, I can’t wait to read it. I have 2 daughters (11 and 9) and a 22 month old. I definitely need to learn to adapt my expectations of myself but I had a “SUPER” Mom and I believe my kids derserve the same. I pray everynight to be half the the mother she was to me. I can’t wait to read it!!
I often feel like a bad mom because after a while day of teaching, I have very little patience for my own kids. Any ideas?
PS – thanks for writing this book – I hope I win. I also shared this post on my facebook page.
I can relate to this book! My career is a demanding one (police/9-1-1) and i have a hard time saying “No” when it comes to working the OT….I try to balance sleep/family time/me time and its hard to juggle all 3 at times…extended family and friends get the short end of the stick too….With a 4 and 9 year old it gets tough but I would not trade anything for my family…I just need to learn how to “time manage”
Me me me!! I can’t wait to read this book.
Oh this is a struggle in our house this summer….how fitting! I would love to read this!
As a WAHM I really struggle with the summer time scheduling issues–when I justify my work schedule to my kids I almost feel like I’m validating their complaints/concerns that I work–it feels like I’m undermining this major life choice. How do you get around that without feeling guilty? Not sure if there’s an asnwer for this, just putting it out there for strategies other moms use…
Aside from finding a work/life balance and juggling your professional life and your kids, what’s the best way to maintain a suitable balance with that of your husband’s, who is also a working professional and only gets home from work at the kid’s bedtime?
What a great book. I am always conflicted every time I get my son ready for daycare and he says, “But I want to stay home with you.” And every time I have to say, “You have to go to school, I have to go to work.” And it just plain sucks, but I’ve tried the stay at home mommy thing, and I’m not cut out for it! LOL Being a working mother is definitely hard work, but so is a stay at home mommy’s job!
How do you respond to people who say, “Oh, I don’t want someone else raising my kid!” when I tell them my child goes to daycare from 8 a.m. – 5 p.m.? I personally don’t see it as if they are raising him, they’re keeping an eye out for him. Keeping him safe until I can pick him up and RAISE him.
I would love to know how to adapt from being a SAHM for 8 years to a full-time working mom whose job is an hour away. My husband is a self-employed contractor and his hours are all over the place. All my friends are SAHM and I see everything that they are doing with their kids over the summer. How do you get through it…the guilt, the sadness, etc.?
I’m in the same shoes s you bit I’ve only been home 7 years. I want to ease back into work but with. The cost of daycare & summer camp. I just have to dive back in
The 7 year old will understand &probably enjoy it but not the 3 year old. I’ll be thinking of lost days at the pool & beach.
I would love to read this book. Working full time and raising my children has been more difficult than I ever imagined. Any help and advice, or even support found in this book would be appreciated.
I’d love a copy of this, because after working full time+ for 12 years as a single mom, I have just recently left my job and am now a SAHM of a 14 year old, working a small dairy farm on my property. The sacrifice is that my fiance and I are broke. It’s so difficult to find the balance! How do women make working at home work for them financially and schedule-wise?
I essentially feel like the worst mother in the world right now. I am 25 weeks into a very high risk pregnancy and can no longer always be there for my 2 1/2 year old son. When the baby is born, this will change, but even then, the baby is going to need more attention etc. How do I make sure that my son knows that he is still number 1 in my life (even if he has to share the spot now)?
I became a SAHM almost 4 years ago when I had my first child. No one would have ever guessed that I would have chosen to do this, not even myself. I was at the height of my career and loving what I did professionally. Today I have 2 kids and have no intentions of returning to work. Although I struggle to find the balance in being the best mother I can be while still maintaining my sense of self. The kids will eventually grow and I will eventually need to return to work. How will I transition back after being away for so long? This book sounds like an amazing read and I would love a chance to win a copy!
I am returning to the workforce after being a SAHM for 5 years. I think I would find this book a great read as well as a help to keep some peace of mind while juggling my work/home life!
Thanks, and fingers crossed!
yes the camp question. I am feeling this pain as my almost 5yo ask’s me why she has to go to camp & this & that one dosen’t. Sometimes it feels like am i the only mommie who works??? Obviously I’m not but it sure feels like it. I think i’d enjoy reading this book… I’m not alone outhere
I’d like to know how to balance single motherhood while working a full-time job. My son asks me repeatedly why I have to go to work, and why cant I stay home with him. We try to do fun things on the weekends, but during the week – it’s the usual routine – dinner, baths, laundry, clean up, and when that’s all finished, it’s time for bed. Not a whole lot of quality time for us there.
The work life balance is a constant struggle. As a single mom who wants nothing more than to spend every free moment with my two-year old, yet has to work a full-time job – I struggle daily with housework versus a run through the sprinkler and answering just one more email or making it home in time for dinner.
I know it’s a struggle every working mother faces, and I’m sure I will find solace and a bit of peace learning from each of the women profiled in this book. Thanks!
My question is, how do you juggle being a new mom with trying to make new friends after a move to a new city? I found it difficult. I even tried joining a mommy group, but even there was left feeling like an outsider because all the moms had multiple kids and I did not. I hope I can win a copy of the book. I am sure it has a lot of great information.
I would definitely LOVE this book as I am a career mom and single mom at the same time!
I am so glad to see there is a book out that I can read to hopefully help me through my daily struggles with balancing work and home life. I have a 2 year old and 7 month old. Everyday when my alarm goes off at 6am I get a huge lump in my throat and a sinking feeling in my stomach. How can I go to work and send these 2 wonderful kids to daycare? They need their mommy. The guilt I feel is so overwhelming sometimes that I still cry at drop off. I know the kids are well cared for but I feel as their mother I should be doing it but we need my income to provide for their wellbeing so I move on with my day. How do you overcome the “mommy guilt”? How do you create more time in the afternoon with dinner/bedtime looming? I look forward to your comments.
Great idea for a book! I’m hoping to get some ideas from it to use in my life. How do other working moms keep their friendships with moms who decide to stay home? I have a few friends who decided to stop working and now I can’t seem to connect with them anymore.
I really hope I win! My daughter is only 2 1/2 but I have been struggling as a full-time working Mom the whole time. The guilt, depression and being both Mom and Dad a lot because of my husbands CRAZY schedule has about done me in! I truly need some help and advice before I lose my mind! Today is NOT a good day is what I’m thinking as I cry and type this. It does help to read all of these comments and know that I am not alone though!
This looks like a great book for both me and my clients! Any encouragment that we can get regarding the working mother juggling act is helpful and hopeful! I am the mom of a busy 3.5 year old boy and a teething 8 month old girl. I work part-time as a career consultant, life coach and adjunct college professor. I’m busy and I do need help with this topic and so do more and more of my clients! Looking forward to accessing your book!
I think this must be the perfect book for me to read. I continuously have guilt over working. I took a job so that I could work during the day while my daughter was in school, but then it seems like I’m rushing around in the evening trying to get the housework done, make dinner, get groceries and still try and find the quality time I would like to have with her and my husband. How do you make it all work?
I would love to win this! I face a daily struggle of being a SAHM, after working for 20 years! I have been a full-time SAHM for 3 years now (since my MIL died from lung cancer), and not only do I face questions from my daughter about when I return to work, but also underlying resentment from my husband (who is the sole breadwinner), and guilt feelings are playing tug of war with my emotions because I feel like I should be contributing, but I don’t want to miss the time with my kids while they are young. Sigh…
My question is around setting realistic expectations with the people I work with. For example, what is the proper way to let them know that , “no, I can’t attend your 6:30 pm conference call because I have a very important softball game to get to” without sounding like I don’t care about the confernece call. I realize not everyone has children, but I feel like I’m trying too hard to please everyone.
Sounds like an interesting read. I think I am teaching my kids a great lesson- that you can have it all! I love my teaching career and being a great mom:)
Just went through an ordeal last week myself. I work full time and my son suddenly broke out with a crazy rash on his leg that is unlike I had ever seen or been familiar with. So I had to cut back my hours drastically at work so that I could take our son to 5 different dr’s to try and diagnose what was wrong with him, meanwhile is leg was getting worse by the hour. I fianally had to take him to the emergency room, and lucky for me I have a really cool boss who’d allowed me after all of this was done to come in at the end of the day and work the last few hours of my shift after driving my son around from dr to dr. It was a hellish week. But somehow we were able to find that balance where work was covered and my son got the treatment he needed. It is so hard to work full time and still feel like you are doing everything you can for your child. I am blessed with a great husband and a wonderful boss whom both helped me through this tough ordeal. My son is feeling better and I am glad it all worked out. But I couldn’t have felt more torn that week. I know the feeling, and all I can say is you just have to go with your gut feeling and if you think there is something truly wrong with your son, usually work will always be there, but you have to be that advocate for your child. You know what is normal and what isn’t, and if you are good at your job, and this isn’t a regular thing. your work will understand and help your through.
would love to have a copy
I am trying right now how to figure out how to spend more time with my son. My employer offer a variety of different work week options, telecommuting, compressed work week, shortened work week, but it all hinges on my direct manager, who is somewhat old fashioned and doesn’t “believe” in these options. On top of that she was a single parent and instead of having empathy has a chip on her shoulder. I am really at a loss right now I can quit because we need the money!!
Are there any studies that examine the well-being of children who were cared for by daycare vs. a SAHM? I have so much guilt over working, but honestly, I don’t know that I’m cut out to be a full time SAHM. Plus I like the financial security it provides and the stress it takes off of my husband to not be the sole bread winner. I always imagined that I’d be a SAHM, and I think part of my issue is perhaps accepting it about myself that I’m not really cut out to stay at home full time. I’m not sure I’d exhibit that patience I’d need to to be a good mom if I were home full time. At the same time, I feel like I’m away too much with working full time, and obviously I’m missing out on some things while I’m at work. So tough to find the balance. But some information on the long term impact to children would help me clarify my priorities I think.
Sounds like a great read! I am a WAHM, and I can never seem to fit it into the daily schedule without feeling like I am taking away something from my husband and daughter. And myself. It’s great to have the extra little bit of income now, but since my daughter is only 3yo and still craves my attention ALOT, how do I fit work into my day without feeling like I am neglecting her? Or do it all after she goes to bed and wil trying to not neglect my husband?
I would love to read this! I currently work full-time outside the home. I don’t think that I am really cut out to be a SAHM – however, I would like to work fewer hours. The issue that I am running into is that it is very difficult to find part-time jobs in my field (Organizational Development & Learning/Human Resources) and even if I did find a part-time job there is no way that it would pay even half of what I currently make, so at that point it seems like I might as well just not work at all. There must be a creative solution somewhere…but I don’t know how I can decide if working half the hours for less than half the money is worth it in the end.
I’m so intrigued by your book and appreciate the opportunity to win a copy! I have 2 boys (ages 2 & 4) and work from home which is a challenge since life around the house doesn’t stop for my deadlines! I’m often left feeling guilty and sad over the time that I’m working vs spending with my boys. It’s hard!
Thanks. I have two pre-schoolers I would like to have individual time with after work. How do I explain this to them so they don’t feel left out or that the other is favored?
I agree with all the above comments. Especially the guilt of waking your kids up and rushing them out the door while they cry that they want to stay in jammies. How do you make more time to do fun stuff with your kids, join mommies groups, and still excel at your job which wants you to put in extra hours for promotions when you’re falling asleep at 7:30 every night? There’s just not enough time to do it all. My motivation is starting to dwindle, but I’m not sure I could stay home either… I would love a copy of this book!
A lot of working moms talk about guilt revolving around smaller children, my question revolves around teenagers. I’ve worked full-time since my kids were born, and most of the time, had a work scheduled that allowed me to be home to get them off the bus and put dinner on the table. Now that all my kids are teenagers, I felt I could make a career change that would mean a schedule change. Everyone said, ‘oh, your kids are old enough to take care of themselves and your husband can get dinner’.
How do I deal with the guilt of not being around as much as my kids go through their very formative teenage years? Somehow, I though it would be easier, but it’s harder.
Reading these posts makes me feel like I am not alone in my struggle to find balance. I want to fit in exercise (for long term health as well as stress relief) but between working full time and home reponsiblities, it is hard to make the time. I feel guilty about leaving my little ones.
I can’t wait to read this book! I have a full time career and a daughter and struggle constantly with trying to find that right balance.
It was a difficult decision to decide to take a step down from a position in any career when my husband and I decided to welcome a new addition to the family. I knew that finances would be tight, stress would be overwhelming in some circumstances. However, I didn’t want to bring yet another bundle of joy into the world that I was unable to enjoy fully. I didn’t want to miss all the milestones, all the special moments and memories. I’m mom! That’s the most important job to me and no amount of money nor title of any company could take that pleasure away from me. I have my entire life to work, kids grow up too fast. I’d prefer to live modestly and happy than luxurious and missing out.
I can’t wait to read this book. It is also good to know I’m not alone in balancing working full-time & a three year old!
So tough. Summer just rips my heart out. I long to spent lazy days with my three children.
I don’t work outside of the home but still definately struggle for balance. It is very hard to find time for myself, for friendships etc. I have a 3 yr old who is having problems adjusting to having a new brother. Sometimes I blame myself for maybe “spoiling” her too much — feeling like I didn’t prepare her enough for the change. So much guilt and anxiety comes with motherhood!!
Enjoy work and motherhood…just aren’t enough hours in the day!
Wow, I have been looking for this book since becoming a working mom. I need help in saying no and balancing how to do all the fun stuff that my kids want to do/I want to do this summer with getting some time to relax and get the housework done at night and on the weekend. Lately my answer is just not getting the other stuff done.
How do you ensure, during those times when you are home, that you are getting quality time with your children and not spending it preparing for the next day at work? I constantly find that when I am home for a longer period of time, I spend less of it interacting with the kids than I do when I am home for a short stint!
I’m a teacher. I often feel I have the best of both worlds, I get to be a SAHM in the summer and work during the school year. My children, though, are little (4 weeks, 18 months, 3 years) and do not go to school. We have a babysitter come to the house for the younger two and my oldest is starting pre-school in the fall. For me, the biggest problem starts about this time every year. The dread of going back to school. I love my job, but I do feel that in working I have to give up some of the “parenting” decisions to those that are with my children during the day, Lets face it, during the school year, they are with my children for more of their awake time than I am. I don’t like to give that up. I want to make sure they get the reading time, creative time, run around crazy time, etc. that I think they need. I’m their mother and no one can have their needs at heart more than I can. How do I give that up without feeling guilty? Every summer I feel like I should just quit, but I can’t if I want my children to go to a good school.
I work full-time and am going to school full-time working on my MBA. I have three kids (11, 10 and 3) of which the older two are competitive athletes and are involved in everything. In addition, I coach many of their teams and for those I don’t I feel bad. When they have conflicting schedules it tears at my heart having to decide which of my kids I won’t be there for…my oldest patted me on the shoulder the other day and told me “mom someday you are going to realize you can’t be everything for everyone.” My advice thrown right back at me, who would’ve thought? Anyway, at what point is it ok to put myself first? I work on my homework from around 9:30pm to 12:30am and am up by 5:20am for work. I feel bad cause I don’t workout anymore but I just don’t know how to fit it in.
I often wonder who has it better as far as balance–SAHMs or those who work outside the home? I know we all have our struggles, but this remains a constant question in my mind. Right now, I’m a working mom, and even after two years, I still don’t know if that’s the right choice! I’d love to read this book . . .
I find it hard to juggle my 3 grandchildren when the sleep over… The 2 younger ones ages 2, 3 fight for my attention and get very jealous of each other…..
Looks like a book that could certainly be helpful. Juggling act of parenthood, career, spouse and then there is that friendships component….a tough balancing act. One that I fear I will forever struggle with. Someone, somewhere is getting cheated. So how do we do it all? I am praying my kids don’t come back and say I was never there, but working. I agree with one of the post above, as a teacher, it is hard sometimes in the patience category. Some days there is just not much left at the end of it all.
I am juggling work, school, and spending time with my kids…. I would like to know how to be sure I am always putting my kids first….I feel like I am and then something happens and I feel I haven’t done enough for them. I’m not sure if it is just their ages (7 & 4) or if it is my fault for having so much on my plate, but they are talking back and not listening at all now, or so it seems…
I feel lucky to be able to work in a school. Because it is summer I feel like I have a great balance as I am working just two days a week, but it is during the school year where the balancing act begins. How do you make the most out of the time after you get off work until baby’s bedtime? My son is 14 months old and I am proud to say that he was exclusively breast fed and is still enjoying his “snacks” here and there and before bedtime. Breastfeeding/Pumping while working was a challenge, but we did it!! I am so glad it is summer time! Your book looks great, sharing stories is the best way to support moms!
I struggle with the fact that I not only need to work to support my family, but I WANT to work. I worked hard to get my degree and build my career, but I feel guilty that I don’t stay home. I’m so afraid I will regret it someday! Any advice??
Wow – this sounds like a good book!
The only way I can “balance” is sacrifice “me” time…or sleep.
I too struggle with the working and juggling but I also have to travel for work. Since my husband also works long hours and sometimes travels, the logistics get tough. How to balance and not miss anything (I don’t have the guilt of working as I would not be too good at staying home – these days you almost have to have a home curriculum to get kids ready for school!). Can’t wait to read this book!
It is difficult to find that balance. I am looking forward to reading the insights and tips offered in this book.
It has become a daily challenge trying to explain to my almost 4 year old that mommy has to work in lieu of spending time together. He uses the word lonely a lot lately- breaks my heart. I also work from home, he doesnt go to school each day. I am looking forward to reading this book for more insight on how to deal with this in a much better way. Thank you for the opportunity- a book I can definitely sink my teeth into
I can’t wait to read this book. I have a 4 year old and a 15 month old. My 4 year old will be starting kindergarten in the fall and I am struggling with the idea of her being in school all day and then having to attend the after school program until I get done work and can pick her up. It is going to be such a long day for her. I have struggled with the working mother balance since becoming a mom. I want to be with my girls all the time but we need my income
I chose to work from home to be with my daughter. We can survive with the decreased income. It’s not worth missing out on my daughters early years.
I am heartbroken every morning– “Mommy stay here” “Don’t leave me” “Why?” I am the sole breadwinner, lucky to have a SAHD, but it is SO incredibly stressful!
I quit my job very recently and am making the transition to SAHM. I am dying to read this book, as in my heart and mind I am still a working mother.
I am a wife and a mother of 2, I work part time. Your book seems like a very good read to me and I would love to win it!