Kids are not born with manners. In most cases, the concepts of “please” and “thank you” and not texting at the table are things that must be taught with infinite patience and a firm hand. Though some kids have no trouble accessing their inner Emily Post, others find the world of etiquette close to unbearable.

No matter the predisposition of the child, it’s mainly up to parents to instill a sense of decorum, to teach the difference between good and bad behavior, to demonstrate what polite looks and sounds like. It’s not always an easy or pleasant task and the challenges vary as the child grows up.

My daughter is seven. Though I do my best to consistently remind her about the basics (like “please” and “thank you”), the lessons don’t always stick. I begin to sound like a broken record with my constant prompts and reminders. She sighs, rolls her eyes, and delivers the requested nicety with a tone of exasperated boredom. It’s clear that she doesn’t see the value of manners. I think I may have stumbled in that department. Perhaps instead of focusing on the mechanics of manners, I should have spent more time explaining why they matter.

Manners matter because they show respect for the person being addressed. Manners are proof that there is a well-balanced mixture of deference and partnership between the two parties – that they are willing to work together to a common end. A dictator does not say please, a dictator simply makes demands and expects them to be met. Unfortunately – despite my best efforts, my daughter sometimes takes on that role in our house.

Manners matter because they are a reflection of the Golden Rule – treat others as you would like to be treated. They indicate that there’s a certain equality between two parties – that each would like to make things pleasant for the other.

And manners matter because they are the antidote to the unpleasant trait of entitlement. There are few things that rub me the wrong way more than people who feel that they are entitled to have everything their way … without even so much as a “please.”

But how do you explain this to a child? Children are notoriously self-centered. It takes them a while to get the concept of empathy. How do you convince them that cultivating manners is a worthwhile endeavor?

I don’t have the answers, but one tactic I’m planning to try is only responding when proper manners are used. I’m guessing that my little girl is smart enough to figure out the pattern if I only respond to her requests when she says “please.” Maybe if we start with making manners a rote habit, we can then move on to developing a deeper understanding of the role they play in building strong and mutually respectful relationships.

… maybe.

In the meantime, we’d love to hear your two cents. Did your kids take to manners easily, or did you have to do daily drills? How did you teach the importance of manners? What are your biggest pet peeves when it comes to manners?

Image Credit: Ann Douglas